Saturday
Thursday
Breaking through
6/23/2009
FINALLY. I am okay~!! I really am. I got over myself, and went for a run down 114 with Icarus, for about a half an hour, in the misty rain. I just took off, almost without thinking. It just seemed like the t thing to do, and I've worked hard on this body. Velkess doesn't want me to go soft. ;-p She's kicking up my exercise regimen for me, and is cracking the whip. I can't go soft. I have to keep up the strength and endurance, I have to keep up the flow. Today, I was surprised at my energy and go-power, and I broke a wonderful sweat. When I got home from the jog, Kevin was making a fire outside to cook his dinner, and I was feeling so ORGANIC and zippy from my run that I decided to do yoga in the woods, NO MATTER WHAT.
And I did. I took off my shoes and did it, right in the pine needles, right in the dirt, right among the ants and mosquitoes and the misty rain chilling my body. I did the Prana flow, all of it.
This decision partially came because I read in a recent Yoga Journal how when you practice yoga outside, it is a special challenge to keep your focus, and to let your practice be what it is. You have to let go. Yes, the article said, the ground will be lumpy, you may get dirty and insect-bitten, and the forest is a far cry from the polished wooden floors of the yoga studio. But the article was so supportive of practicing yoga in Nature and that's kinda my situation right now, so I decided to just go with it. I had to let go of my perfectionism. The ground WAS lumpy, it was raining at sunset, I was covered in mud, leaves and needles and getting eaten alive by bugs, but I didn't care...I did sun salutations until I couldn't think anymore and breathed. I flowed from pose to pose and it felt DIFFERENT then my yoga at the studio, but I allowed it to be New, I allowed the experience to just BE, and I focused on my BREATH.
I dug my toes into the mud and allowed myself to truly feel the center of the earth.
When I exhaled in downward dogs, I let it go, all of it. I don't know what it was I was holding onto, but I got rid of it.
I am so happy with myself. I really am. I gave myself what I needed. And you know what? It felt RIGHT to be out there, in the woods, my feet and hands all muddy, in the elements, getting wet, doing yoga among the critters. I could see ants and beetles crawling beneath me in my inversions. It made me feel a sense of self-possession that I've seldom experienced, even at the studio. It felt like I was really BEING with my Self. It touched me. I was surprised at how flexible I was, even after doing minimal yoga for a few weeks, but it felt almost like I'd never left. My body felt firm and energized.
When I did wheel, all I saw was the tree canopy and the sky beyond. I noticed the wind the most. I did my headstands, and kept my balance. I felt like a bird in tree pose. Savasana felt heavenly, on my back, staring skywards. I felt at peace, and very safe...nobody was watching me; I could practice whatever I wanted to without anxiety about falling into furniture or other yogis.
It feels like when I practice yoga alone, that it's truly for me.
I believe that today...I got the gift of freedom.
It just happened. Now I'm in the swing. I'm so habitual that tomorrow I intend for there to be more of the same. Yes. It's time to maximize my vital energy, to become my Highest Vision. The Time is Now. Because now I understand that yes, it's all up to me, it's in my power. Velkess showed me. Lots of movement. Lots of yoga. Now that I know for SURE that yoga is inside ME, not a studio, I intend to do it all the time...the best part...
get this..it's FREE. Both running and yoga. I'm not paying anyone to help me get my energy moving anymore. Today, I did it on my own, in conditions less then optimal, no less. I dunno, it just feels like a major milestone because I've been pining away for Prana yoga for weeks now, moping around, subtly resisting my situation. Now I feel like it really IS going to be okay. If I can go running and do yoga on my own in the forest, then everything is okay.
So much stress has been removed, now that I am in complete control of my own exercise. I always was, but now I'm grokking it. It makes me feel like I am in control of my life on a larger scale.
In other news, today I've eaten watermelon and grapes. I am eating more intuitively these days. I don't have much money so I am mindful of reducing my consumption. Instead of just cramming the food in to build up my calorie count for the day, I just eat whenever I feel like it, and make sure it's fruit. If I am very hungry, I eat lots of fruit. But I am eating much less then I used to. I tried to eat a banana a few days ago and nearly gagged. No more nanas for me, for awhile. I overate them in the winter up here.
I've played stick and ball with Icarus, my beautiful dog. He gets so much more attention now these days. I even brush him daily. I'm going to figure out a way to take him to Texas with me I think. I can't be without that adorable expression, those loving eyes. We'll see. I enjoyed running with him. With the gentle leader, he just trots beside me.
I heard it's going to be in the 80's this weekend. How exciting! I could go for some heat.
Today was also the first time I got to do my laundry in a month. CLEAN CLOTHES ftw.
Overall, I'd say there has been a 50% increase in my happiness levels since I did that jog and yoga. I can't help but keep going on and on about it, but now it's time to work on my novel.
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6/24/2009
I'm eating my morning watermelon and contemplating reality. I love watermelon in the morning. It's so hydrating, perfect for replenishing after the dry fast we all do when we sleep each night.
I don't drink as much water as I used to, so I love the juicier fruits. I find I can honor the fruit diet best when I keep my meals pretty much the same at each time of the day. Like watermelon in the morning, grapes in the afternoon, and then orange juice at night. You can really get into a flow. Ever since I've been raw, I've had a tendency to eat the same thing, day after day. NOT GOOD, if I'm hooked on guacamole, spicy kale salad or gourmet raw, but perfect for the fruit diet, where you're SUPPOSED to eat abundantly. Of course it varies; last summer, I did bananas in the morning, apples for lunch, and watermelon for dinner, followed by a huge salad late at night. Of course, if I find myself really craving greens, I'll eat them...I LLOVE me some mache, but I feel like I get so little out of greens that I avoid them. My body can't digest them well, even if I chew like crazy. They tend to constipate me and provide so little calories that I feel I might as well just eat fruit.
My mom messaged me at 8am this morning asking me what my long term plans were. I told her, “No long term plans.” What she was really probing for, was if I am really going to go down there, to Texas, or not. I get tired of people not being 100% forthright and open, and telling me what's really on their mind. I'm just as evasive as the next person when it comes to sociality, but I try to at least be candid and up-front with others as best I can, instead of all this “beating around the bush” bullshit. Kevin does it too. I wonder if it's a Texas thing.
I told my mom that I simply need some space from my life up here. It doesn't mean that I'll be gone forever, or that I'm moving to Texas. I just need to wander away for a bit. I may be back, because I'm not taking the dog with me initially, for the first month. Which scares me, because that means he'll be in the custody of his daddy, but oh well. I'll just have to trust that it'll be okay.
My dad told me he has a free airline ticket I can use to get down there. That takes care of that problem. They're freaking out about me biking anywhere down there. They told me that I can't bike down there, that the roads are too dangerous. I'm pretty sure they can't be any worse then these winding narrow New England roads, which I've ridden on even in ice and rain. My dad flat out told me that he doesn't want me biking to wherever I will be working, that he wants me to use a car to get around. Just hearing him say that, I felt my jaw tighten and a spike of stubbornness drive itself into my heart.
I'll show them.
I'll show all of them.
*glowers*
IT's DELICIOUS, that feeling of spiteful stubbornness. I haven't felt that in AWHILE, not since I was a teen. Reminds me of Paetreyl, how he gets sometimes. Oh, how I've missed my parents. They do help me carve out a route for myself in life, in a very backwards way. Their doubt and fear seems to fuel my own bravery, determination and drive to succeed. Their desire to control my life, makes me erupt with passion to find my own way.
I hope my parents understand that even though they are helping me out a bit, that this is MY LIFE to consciously design. And even if they don't understand, I hope to be able to explain it to them, in a way that is patient. I don't know what lies in store for me.
One thing is for SURE, I will not be pushed around by them. I have psychic weight now. Living around very psychic people for the past 3 years or so, has truly altered me, given me insight into the layers of reality that exist around the physical. I feel I can see above the situation I am presented with a lot of the time. Not to mention that I have Velkess on my side now. She's a heavyweight when it comes to energy. She doesn't let anyone bully me now. The key part will be Mordemus, making sure she's kept in rein and doesn't destroy anyone. Can a merciful monk and a sadistic killer exist in the same body and actually function in harmony together? Seems to be working out delightfully well right now. I feel balanced.
Velkess is kinda on probation with the group. Although they appreciate her presence, they do not trust her at all. It's probably for the best right now. She needs to earn their trust by not trying to dominate them and by being on her best behavior for awhile. It's curious.
Time to go for a run. I have energy boiling up inside of me.
6/25/2009
I'm getting my feet beneath me again. I'm finding my sea-legs! Yesterday was good. I went for a bike ride, almost ten miles. I wiped out and nearly killed myself on the road, but seeing as how I've lived to tell about it and rode away with only a nasty scrape, I'm very thankful. I wasn't wearing my helmet (left it at a friends house) and at the speed I was going, I slid out into the traffic. The feeling of my flesh impacting the pavement and then sliding out to where cars were whizzing by trying to avoid me, was indescribable. I've never felt so physically vulnerable. I could feel the fragility of my flesh in that moment, and the hot exhaust of the cars rumbling right by my ear. I could feel how easy it would be for one of those metal monsters to crush me and pop this bubble.
The rest of my bike ride was very careful.
Later in the day, I got to do a yoga session at my friends' place. They have a wooden floor and a yoga mat, ready to go. After my yoga practice in the woods, having to deal with all the elements, doing yoga inside, on a firm, dry, level floor, on a mat, felt like pure indulgence. I did a full practice, and worked up a lovely sweat. I'm really happy to be getting into the swing of my yoga practice again. I know I will need yoga when I go down to Texas to see my parents. I told them that I don't need much space there, just enough room for a yoga mat, and I'll be content. I talk to them a lot about my passion for yoga. I feel like it's important they know how important it is to me.
My dad is being really encouraging about story-writing. In fact, looking back over the course of my life, writing and story-telling is something he's always been encouraging towards for me, but especially in recent years. As it's become apparent I am atypical, he pushes me more and more to write stories. I think it might be okay for him if I'm weird, as long as I am a writer. Writers are known to be odd. These days, I'm surprised how much interest my dad takes in my writing. It's a point of connection for us...writing runs in my family apparently. Both my grandfather and my greatgrandfather were writers, of a sort, I found out. They wrote column's for various newspapers and articles for magazines. My dad and I talked in depth about writing and my story and where it's going. He asks what it's about, and I tell him it's about consciousness. That baffled him a little. I told him some of what I had so far. He loves sci-fi, so I think he's interested.
I have often reflected that I will perhaps never tell anyone when the novel comes to fruit. I am pouring myself into it, and I get scared because that makes me feel vulnerable. You have to be somewhat brave to be an artist of any sort, I think.
Though I believe, when it's ready, I will be happy to let it flow out into the world. I feel like now it needs secrecy and moisture and darkness. It is a maturing seed. It's getting closer to the light though...soon it will all be pushed through.
My dad told me he would like to see me writing some short stories, especially when I'm in Texas. He says that he'd like me to come to Texas to decompress, get some space, and to write more. Funny, that is in complete accordance with my own intentions. On the topic of writing, I enjoy being pushed by my dad. I will let him push me as hard as he wants, when it comes to writing. I will take it and love it, because I know I need to be pushed right now in that direction. He is a pretty savvy guy when it comes to managing and promoting yourself, and doing what needs to be done. He just got his Masters degree. He is successful in his field. (Engineering)
My dad has a free ticket for me and said that I only need to let him know when I want to use it.
I'm not seeing eye-to-eye as much with my mom. She is very neurotic. And it's a little painful to listen to her sometimes, because I see echoes of who I used to be, before I changed my lifestyle. And reflections of who I am now, whether I want to admit it or not. I am making sure to warn both my parents that I only intend on staying with them for a month or so. They ask me what I'm doing after that point, and I said, “I don't know.” And I don't. And it feels great. And that's the way I want it to be for a little while. I won't be convinced otherwise.
They could convince me to go to college maybe. I've thought about it. My dad is making a HUGE DEAL out of this being my “second chance,” or something like that. He is very myth-oriented, so I think he sees me as the “prodigal son,” like in the Bible. I told him all that money he gave me last winter is gone, that I had to use it to pay rent, and buy yoga, and fruit, and a bike. But I told him that I don't feel the money was wasted, because I don't; it served it's purpose during the moments it was available to me. My dad thanked me for being honest with him. Through talking with my parents, I am developing a sense of no-regret. Being around them has a tendency to make me feel more sure in myself.
I won't go to college until my divorce is final. I think it's time to proceed with the papers. All the criteria are met now; I will be living at another address. Did I mention how terror-stricken I am? My separation from Kevin has been going as slowly as possible, to ease trauma on both sides, and now it's surging ahead and becoming final. I could change my mind at any time. But I just don't see a way out of this. This is it. It's the thing that makes the most sense. To continue being married feels false. I am scared. What if this isn't what I want? I will give myself the month during my time in Texas to meditate and pray on it. The trouble is, I have this feeling that what I want isn't relevant in this case. I know what I need, and it's to separate. So okay, I'm doing that. Maybe I'll just float on it.
I really feel like just flittering around the country for awhile. Just roaming. Just wandering. I don't want to be stable, because that's not what I want, or like. I want to just go wherever I want. I want to think of going somewhere, and then arrive. I want all my dreams to become reality. To think a high reality for myself, and have it be. I want to realize and fully grok my own mobility and power. I have to be free. I can't be anchored.
My mom has a problem with this attitude. But she doesn't understand. She may though. Maybe, if she can look in my eyes, she will. I am a wild thing. Always have been, always will be.
My parents live in the country, too. They have a humongous yard, and are surrounded by cow fields.
I hope to do some mushroom hunting when I'm down there. I feel like these days, that I only want to eat mushrooms if I find them in Nature myself. It's looks like my growing days are over. I have reoccuring dreams about mushroom hunting. The only time I got to hunt and find mushrooms, ended in tragedy when one of the campers shot himself in the head. So now the hunt is even more alluring. There's a mystique about finding mushrooms in the wild, and eating them. I just hope I can identify the right ones. I want the psychedelic kind.
Paetreyl
I knew him long before I had done any drugs.
I didn't ASK for him, okay? He just popped in my head, when I was about 18, and I remember the exact moment. I was about to drive back to Austin to see Kevin again, and I was sitting in the front seat of my car, hands on the wheel, backing out of my parents carport. All of a sudden...PAETREYL. All of him. He overwhelmed me with impressions, history, and personality. He was mischievous and demanding, impetuous and delightful. Sort of a troublemaker, but endearing. He came in a hue of glowing blue. I dunno...it was like love at first sight.
Thus our love affair in consciousness began. Or looking at it more broadly, he was with me all along, and it was only in that moment that we made complete contact.
I have been forever changed because of this being. I am very thankful for him in my life.
Sometimes we just watch each other. I watch his life, see his world, feel his experience.
I do it with all of the Others. But Paetreyl is the one most intertwined with Fate in my life.
I am taking all the Others with me to Texas, of course. They're pretty excited to come. I can get the clearest communication from them when my reality is fresh. I know I will learn so much.
The Well ~ it's an energy source in Plantasia....wells have been really freaking me out lately and have been popping up everywhere. I've been wondering what that THING is, that flow in the hyperdimensional aspect of my homeworld, and duh, it's a WELL. The Well is like a magic pool. Velkess started telling me about it, rather excitedly. It's a place to pull power from; a place of twisted, alien primordial shadow and the mysteries of the Ancients. In actuality, from what my Axian sources tell me, it's an energy field that radiates in a ring from the Ova. It's so intense that nothing except ovines can grow or survive within it.
The Well fascinates me. I've been wondering what it was for a really long time. Now it's like I'm bespelled by it.
There are cracks in Plantasia. Places where the ovines have become dried and thin, and whole kingdoms have crumbled through the depths of the Outer Shell.
Food: I've been eating watermelon in the mornings, then monomeals of grapes, raspberries, cucumber. That was yesterday. I don't know how many days I've been eating straight fruit, because I'm not counting. I want this for the long haul; this is simply how I eat now. I don't count; I just eat. It's probably been over a week though. I am surrendering entirely to the fruit experience. I want to, I want to feel like I'm flying up in the trees. I woke up this morning with a detox feeling and a bad taste in my mouth. It makes me rejoice, because this is why I am eating fruit. Digestion is so easy that so much energy is freed up for housecleaning. I know I need to purify myself before I go to Texas, and so I'm doing that.
FINALLY. I am okay~!! I really am. I got over myself, and went for a run down 114 with Icarus, for about a half an hour, in the misty rain. I just took off, almost without thinking. It just seemed like the t thing to do, and I've worked hard on this body. Velkess doesn't want me to go soft. ;-p She's kicking up my exercise regimen for me, and is cracking the whip. I can't go soft. I have to keep up the strength and endurance, I have to keep up the flow. Today, I was surprised at my energy and go-power, and I broke a wonderful sweat. When I got home from the jog, Kevin was making a fire outside to cook his dinner, and I was feeling so ORGANIC and zippy from my run that I decided to do yoga in the woods, NO MATTER WHAT.
And I did. I took off my shoes and did it, right in the pine needles, right in the dirt, right among the ants and mosquitoes and the misty rain chilling my body. I did the Prana flow, all of it.
This decision partially came because I read in a recent Yoga Journal how when you practice yoga outside, it is a special challenge to keep your focus, and to let your practice be what it is. You have to let go. Yes, the article said, the ground will be lumpy, you may get dirty and insect-bitten, and the forest is a far cry from the polished wooden floors of the yoga studio. But the article was so supportive of practicing yoga in Nature and that's kinda my situation right now, so I decided to just go with it. I had to let go of my perfectionism. The ground WAS lumpy, it was raining at sunset, I was covered in mud, leaves and needles and getting eaten alive by bugs, but I didn't care...I did sun salutations until I couldn't think anymore and breathed. I flowed from pose to pose and it felt DIFFERENT then my yoga at the studio, but I allowed it to be New, I allowed the experience to just BE, and I focused on my BREATH.
I dug my toes into the mud and allowed myself to truly feel the center of the earth.
When I exhaled in downward dogs, I let it go, all of it. I don't know what it was I was holding onto, but I got rid of it.
I am so happy with myself. I really am. I gave myself what I needed. And you know what? It felt RIGHT to be out there, in the woods, my feet and hands all muddy, in the elements, getting wet, doing yoga among the critters. I could see ants and beetles crawling beneath me in my inversions. It made me feel a sense of self-possession that I've seldom experienced, even at the studio. It felt like I was really BEING with my Self. It touched me. I was surprised at how flexible I was, even after doing minimal yoga for a few weeks, but it felt almost like I'd never left. My body felt firm and energized.
When I did wheel, all I saw was the tree canopy and the sky beyond. I noticed the wind the most. I did my headstands, and kept my balance. I felt like a bird in tree pose. Savasana felt heavenly, on my back, staring skywards. I felt at peace, and very safe...nobody was watching me; I could practice whatever I wanted to without anxiety about falling into furniture or other yogis.
It feels like when I practice yoga alone, that it's truly for me.
I believe that today...I got the gift of freedom.
It just happened. Now I'm in the swing. I'm so habitual that tomorrow I intend for there to be more of the same. Yes. It's time to maximize my vital energy, to become my Highest Vision. The Time is Now. Because now I understand that yes, it's all up to me, it's in my power. Velkess showed me. Lots of movement. Lots of yoga. Now that I know for SURE that yoga is inside ME, not a studio, I intend to do it all the time...the best part...
get this..it's FREE. Both running and yoga. I'm not paying anyone to help me get my energy moving anymore. Today, I did it on my own, in conditions less then optimal, no less. I dunno, it just feels like a major milestone because I've been pining away for Prana yoga for weeks now, moping around, subtly resisting my situation. Now I feel like it really IS going to be okay. If I can go running and do yoga on my own in the forest, then everything is okay.
So much stress has been removed, now that I am in complete control of my own exercise. I always was, but now I'm grokking it. It makes me feel like I am in control of my life on a larger scale.
In other news, today I've eaten watermelon and grapes. I am eating more intuitively these days. I don't have much money so I am mindful of reducing my consumption. Instead of just cramming the food in to build up my calorie count for the day, I just eat whenever I feel like it, and make sure it's fruit. If I am very hungry, I eat lots of fruit. But I am eating much less then I used to. I tried to eat a banana a few days ago and nearly gagged. No more nanas for me, for awhile. I overate them in the winter up here.
I've played stick and ball with Icarus, my beautiful dog. He gets so much more attention now these days. I even brush him daily. I'm going to figure out a way to take him to Texas with me I think. I can't be without that adorable expression, those loving eyes. We'll see. I enjoyed running with him. With the gentle leader, he just trots beside me.
I heard it's going to be in the 80's this weekend. How exciting! I could go for some heat.
Today was also the first time I got to do my laundry in a month. CLEAN CLOTHES ftw.
Overall, I'd say there has been a 50% increase in my happiness levels since I did that jog and yoga. I can't help but keep going on and on about it, but now it's time to work on my novel.
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6/24/2009
I'm eating my morning watermelon and contemplating reality. I love watermelon in the morning. It's so hydrating, perfect for replenishing after the dry fast we all do when we sleep each night.
I don't drink as much water as I used to, so I love the juicier fruits. I find I can honor the fruit diet best when I keep my meals pretty much the same at each time of the day. Like watermelon in the morning, grapes in the afternoon, and then orange juice at night. You can really get into a flow. Ever since I've been raw, I've had a tendency to eat the same thing, day after day. NOT GOOD, if I'm hooked on guacamole, spicy kale salad or gourmet raw, but perfect for the fruit diet, where you're SUPPOSED to eat abundantly. Of course it varies; last summer, I did bananas in the morning, apples for lunch, and watermelon for dinner, followed by a huge salad late at night. Of course, if I find myself really craving greens, I'll eat them...I LLOVE me some mache, but I feel like I get so little out of greens that I avoid them. My body can't digest them well, even if I chew like crazy. They tend to constipate me and provide so little calories that I feel I might as well just eat fruit.
My mom messaged me at 8am this morning asking me what my long term plans were. I told her, “No long term plans.” What she was really probing for, was if I am really going to go down there, to Texas, or not. I get tired of people not being 100% forthright and open, and telling me what's really on their mind. I'm just as evasive as the next person when it comes to sociality, but I try to at least be candid and up-front with others as best I can, instead of all this “beating around the bush” bullshit. Kevin does it too. I wonder if it's a Texas thing.
I told my mom that I simply need some space from my life up here. It doesn't mean that I'll be gone forever, or that I'm moving to Texas. I just need to wander away for a bit. I may be back, because I'm not taking the dog with me initially, for the first month. Which scares me, because that means he'll be in the custody of his daddy, but oh well. I'll just have to trust that it'll be okay.
My dad told me he has a free airline ticket I can use to get down there. That takes care of that problem. They're freaking out about me biking anywhere down there. They told me that I can't bike down there, that the roads are too dangerous. I'm pretty sure they can't be any worse then these winding narrow New England roads, which I've ridden on even in ice and rain. My dad flat out told me that he doesn't want me biking to wherever I will be working, that he wants me to use a car to get around. Just hearing him say that, I felt my jaw tighten and a spike of stubbornness drive itself into my heart.
I'll show them.
I'll show all of them.
*glowers*
IT's DELICIOUS, that feeling of spiteful stubbornness. I haven't felt that in AWHILE, not since I was a teen. Reminds me of Paetreyl, how he gets sometimes. Oh, how I've missed my parents. They do help me carve out a route for myself in life, in a very backwards way. Their doubt and fear seems to fuel my own bravery, determination and drive to succeed. Their desire to control my life, makes me erupt with passion to find my own way.
I hope my parents understand that even though they are helping me out a bit, that this is MY LIFE to consciously design. And even if they don't understand, I hope to be able to explain it to them, in a way that is patient. I don't know what lies in store for me.
One thing is for SURE, I will not be pushed around by them. I have psychic weight now. Living around very psychic people for the past 3 years or so, has truly altered me, given me insight into the layers of reality that exist around the physical. I feel I can see above the situation I am presented with a lot of the time. Not to mention that I have Velkess on my side now. She's a heavyweight when it comes to energy. She doesn't let anyone bully me now. The key part will be Mordemus, making sure she's kept in rein and doesn't destroy anyone. Can a merciful monk and a sadistic killer exist in the same body and actually function in harmony together? Seems to be working out delightfully well right now. I feel balanced.
Velkess is kinda on probation with the group. Although they appreciate her presence, they do not trust her at all. It's probably for the best right now. She needs to earn their trust by not trying to dominate them and by being on her best behavior for awhile. It's curious.
Time to go for a run. I have energy boiling up inside of me.
6/25/2009
I'm getting my feet beneath me again. I'm finding my sea-legs! Yesterday was good. I went for a bike ride, almost ten miles. I wiped out and nearly killed myself on the road, but seeing as how I've lived to tell about it and rode away with only a nasty scrape, I'm very thankful. I wasn't wearing my helmet (left it at a friends house) and at the speed I was going, I slid out into the traffic. The feeling of my flesh impacting the pavement and then sliding out to where cars were whizzing by trying to avoid me, was indescribable. I've never felt so physically vulnerable. I could feel the fragility of my flesh in that moment, and the hot exhaust of the cars rumbling right by my ear. I could feel how easy it would be for one of those metal monsters to crush me and pop this bubble.
The rest of my bike ride was very careful.
Later in the day, I got to do a yoga session at my friends' place. They have a wooden floor and a yoga mat, ready to go. After my yoga practice in the woods, having to deal with all the elements, doing yoga inside, on a firm, dry, level floor, on a mat, felt like pure indulgence. I did a full practice, and worked up a lovely sweat. I'm really happy to be getting into the swing of my yoga practice again. I know I will need yoga when I go down to Texas to see my parents. I told them that I don't need much space there, just enough room for a yoga mat, and I'll be content. I talk to them a lot about my passion for yoga. I feel like it's important they know how important it is to me.
My dad is being really encouraging about story-writing. In fact, looking back over the course of my life, writing and story-telling is something he's always been encouraging towards for me, but especially in recent years. As it's become apparent I am atypical, he pushes me more and more to write stories. I think it might be okay for him if I'm weird, as long as I am a writer. Writers are known to be odd. These days, I'm surprised how much interest my dad takes in my writing. It's a point of connection for us...writing runs in my family apparently. Both my grandfather and my greatgrandfather were writers, of a sort, I found out. They wrote column's for various newspapers and articles for magazines. My dad and I talked in depth about writing and my story and where it's going. He asks what it's about, and I tell him it's about consciousness. That baffled him a little. I told him some of what I had so far. He loves sci-fi, so I think he's interested.
I have often reflected that I will perhaps never tell anyone when the novel comes to fruit. I am pouring myself into it, and I get scared because that makes me feel vulnerable. You have to be somewhat brave to be an artist of any sort, I think.
Though I believe, when it's ready, I will be happy to let it flow out into the world. I feel like now it needs secrecy and moisture and darkness. It is a maturing seed. It's getting closer to the light though...soon it will all be pushed through.
My dad told me he would like to see me writing some short stories, especially when I'm in Texas. He says that he'd like me to come to Texas to decompress, get some space, and to write more. Funny, that is in complete accordance with my own intentions. On the topic of writing, I enjoy being pushed by my dad. I will let him push me as hard as he wants, when it comes to writing. I will take it and love it, because I know I need to be pushed right now in that direction. He is a pretty savvy guy when it comes to managing and promoting yourself, and doing what needs to be done. He just got his Masters degree. He is successful in his field. (Engineering)
My dad has a free ticket for me and said that I only need to let him know when I want to use it.
I'm not seeing eye-to-eye as much with my mom. She is very neurotic. And it's a little painful to listen to her sometimes, because I see echoes of who I used to be, before I changed my lifestyle. And reflections of who I am now, whether I want to admit it or not. I am making sure to warn both my parents that I only intend on staying with them for a month or so. They ask me what I'm doing after that point, and I said, “I don't know.” And I don't. And it feels great. And that's the way I want it to be for a little while. I won't be convinced otherwise.
They could convince me to go to college maybe. I've thought about it. My dad is making a HUGE DEAL out of this being my “second chance,” or something like that. He is very myth-oriented, so I think he sees me as the “prodigal son,” like in the Bible. I told him all that money he gave me last winter is gone, that I had to use it to pay rent, and buy yoga, and fruit, and a bike. But I told him that I don't feel the money was wasted, because I don't; it served it's purpose during the moments it was available to me. My dad thanked me for being honest with him. Through talking with my parents, I am developing a sense of no-regret. Being around them has a tendency to make me feel more sure in myself.
I won't go to college until my divorce is final. I think it's time to proceed with the papers. All the criteria are met now; I will be living at another address. Did I mention how terror-stricken I am? My separation from Kevin has been going as slowly as possible, to ease trauma on both sides, and now it's surging ahead and becoming final. I could change my mind at any time. But I just don't see a way out of this. This is it. It's the thing that makes the most sense. To continue being married feels false. I am scared. What if this isn't what I want? I will give myself the month during my time in Texas to meditate and pray on it. The trouble is, I have this feeling that what I want isn't relevant in this case. I know what I need, and it's to separate. So okay, I'm doing that. Maybe I'll just float on it.
I really feel like just flittering around the country for awhile. Just roaming. Just wandering. I don't want to be stable, because that's not what I want, or like. I want to just go wherever I want. I want to think of going somewhere, and then arrive. I want all my dreams to become reality. To think a high reality for myself, and have it be. I want to realize and fully grok my own mobility and power. I have to be free. I can't be anchored.
My mom has a problem with this attitude. But she doesn't understand. She may though. Maybe, if she can look in my eyes, she will. I am a wild thing. Always have been, always will be.
My parents live in the country, too. They have a humongous yard, and are surrounded by cow fields.
I hope to do some mushroom hunting when I'm down there. I feel like these days, that I only want to eat mushrooms if I find them in Nature myself. It's looks like my growing days are over. I have reoccuring dreams about mushroom hunting. The only time I got to hunt and find mushrooms, ended in tragedy when one of the campers shot himself in the head. So now the hunt is even more alluring. There's a mystique about finding mushrooms in the wild, and eating them. I just hope I can identify the right ones. I want the psychedelic kind.
Paetreyl
I knew him long before I had done any drugs.
I didn't ASK for him, okay? He just popped in my head, when I was about 18, and I remember the exact moment. I was about to drive back to Austin to see Kevin again, and I was sitting in the front seat of my car, hands on the wheel, backing out of my parents carport. All of a sudden...PAETREYL. All of him. He overwhelmed me with impressions, history, and personality. He was mischievous and demanding, impetuous and delightful. Sort of a troublemaker, but endearing. He came in a hue of glowing blue. I dunno...it was like love at first sight.
Thus our love affair in consciousness began. Or looking at it more broadly, he was with me all along, and it was only in that moment that we made complete contact.
I have been forever changed because of this being. I am very thankful for him in my life.
Sometimes we just watch each other. I watch his life, see his world, feel his experience.
I do it with all of the Others. But Paetreyl is the one most intertwined with Fate in my life.
I am taking all the Others with me to Texas, of course. They're pretty excited to come. I can get the clearest communication from them when my reality is fresh. I know I will learn so much.
The Well ~ it's an energy source in Plantasia....wells have been really freaking me out lately and have been popping up everywhere. I've been wondering what that THING is, that flow in the hyperdimensional aspect of my homeworld, and duh, it's a WELL. The Well is like a magic pool. Velkess started telling me about it, rather excitedly. It's a place to pull power from; a place of twisted, alien primordial shadow and the mysteries of the Ancients. In actuality, from what my Axian sources tell me, it's an energy field that radiates in a ring from the Ova. It's so intense that nothing except ovines can grow or survive within it.
The Well fascinates me. I've been wondering what it was for a really long time. Now it's like I'm bespelled by it.
There are cracks in Plantasia. Places where the ovines have become dried and thin, and whole kingdoms have crumbled through the depths of the Outer Shell.
Food: I've been eating watermelon in the mornings, then monomeals of grapes, raspberries, cucumber. That was yesterday. I don't know how many days I've been eating straight fruit, because I'm not counting. I want this for the long haul; this is simply how I eat now. I don't count; I just eat. It's probably been over a week though. I am surrendering entirely to the fruit experience. I want to, I want to feel like I'm flying up in the trees. I woke up this morning with a detox feeling and a bad taste in my mouth. It makes me rejoice, because this is why I am eating fruit. Digestion is so easy that so much energy is freed up for housecleaning. I know I need to purify myself before I go to Texas, and so I'm doing that.
Tuesday
My new favorite song. My heart resonates with it so much. It's too familiar.
Pussycatdolls ~ I Hate This Part
We're driving slow through the snow on 5th Avenue
And right now radio's all that we can hear
That we ain't talk since we left, it's so over due
It's cold outside but between us it's worse in here
The world slows down
But my heart beats fast right now
I know this is the part
Where the end starts
I can't take it any longer
Thought that we were stronger
All we do is linger
Slipping through our fingers
I don't wanna try now
All that's left's goodbye to
Find a way that I can tell you
I hate this part right here
I hate this part right here
I just can't take your tears
I hate this part right here
Everyday, 7 takes of the same old scene
Seems we're bound by the laws of the same routine
Gotta talk to you now 'fore we go to sleep
But will we sleep once I tell you what's hurting me?
The world (the world) slows down (slows down)
But my heart beats fast right now
I know (i know) this is the part
Where the end starts
I can't take it any longer
Thought that we were stronger
All we do is linger
Slipping through our fingers
I don't wanna try now
All that's left's goodbye to
Find a way that I can tell you
I hate this part right here
I hate this part right here
I just can't take your tears
I hate this part right here
I know you'll ask me to hold on
And carry on like nothing's wrong
But there is no more time for lies
'Cause I see sunset in your eyes
I can't take it any longer
Thought that we were stronger
All we do is linger
Slipping through our fingers
I don't wanna try now
All that's left's goodbye to
Find a way that I can tell you
That I gotta do it,
I gotta do it,
I gotta do it
I hate this part
I gotta do it,
I gotta do it,
I gotta do it
^no music video, just music
Pussycatdolls ~ I Hate This Part
We're driving slow through the snow on 5th Avenue
And right now radio's all that we can hear
That we ain't talk since we left, it's so over due
It's cold outside but between us it's worse in here
The world slows down
But my heart beats fast right now
I know this is the part
Where the end starts
I can't take it any longer
Thought that we were stronger
All we do is linger
Slipping through our fingers
I don't wanna try now
All that's left's goodbye to
Find a way that I can tell you
I hate this part right here
I hate this part right here
I just can't take your tears
I hate this part right here
Everyday, 7 takes of the same old scene
Seems we're bound by the laws of the same routine
Gotta talk to you now 'fore we go to sleep
But will we sleep once I tell you what's hurting me?
The world (the world) slows down (slows down)
But my heart beats fast right now
I know (i know) this is the part
Where the end starts
I can't take it any longer
Thought that we were stronger
All we do is linger
Slipping through our fingers
I don't wanna try now
All that's left's goodbye to
Find a way that I can tell you
I hate this part right here
I hate this part right here
I just can't take your tears
I hate this part right here
I know you'll ask me to hold on
And carry on like nothing's wrong
But there is no more time for lies
'Cause I see sunset in your eyes
I can't take it any longer
Thought that we were stronger
All we do is linger
Slipping through our fingers
I don't wanna try now
All that's left's goodbye to
Find a way that I can tell you
That I gotta do it,
I gotta do it,
I gotta do it
I hate this part
I gotta do it,
I gotta do it,
I gotta do it
^no music video, just music
Some days
June 21, 2009
Just a quick update. I want to start updating more regularly, one way or another. I'm living on the land in the back forest of a Self-Storage facility, kind of in the boonies. I'm like 10 miles away in every direction from, well...everything. It's not so bad. There are blackberries everywhere, and we're pretty much left alone. I'm still living with Kevin, but that will be changing soon. The warmer it gets with the encroaching summer, the less comfortable I feel inside the trailer and the more crowded and cramped and dirty it seems. With every warm day, the more my desire to be outdoors increases. I love the outdoors. I'm getting used to the perpetual sweaty/muggy dirty-fingernails bug-bitedness of the experience. Soon I'll have a tent, and it will be a breath of fresh air. I need a job to get a tent though. I'm working on it.
Kevin and I discussed my moving out, and it's an inevitability at this point. To help myself cut ties, I'll be going to Texas in August, to help me get some space away from my ex and the situation in Massachusetts. I don't know how I will feel when I get there, but I have faith and confidence in the self-adjustment and growth I will experience back home with my family again, after years and years of living away. Even before I left for Massachusetts, I lived in Austin and never saw my family more then once or twice a year. I haven't lived with them, or nearby them since I was a teenager. What happened then was that my relationship with my family was so abusive, destroyed and fucked up that I left and was estranged from them with no contact for about a year. We hated each other.
Since then, over many healing experiences using patience and love, I've let go of just about every reason I've had to despise them. I don't think I'm hanging onto anything, but we shall see. I've come to see my parents as my equals. Going back THERE will be such a lesson in growth for me, I can feel it. I haven't seen my brothers in so long. One of them is about to be a father. I can't believe it. My best friend from high school is getting remarried. My mom said Sarah, the girl I used to go horsebackriding with at the ranch, was asking about me recently. I dunno, I feel it's time I go back to Texas. I'm not going to set a length of time for my visit. I was thinking the month of August, but we'll see how it goes. I wanted to get a job while I was down there, to reel in some extra cash. I'm going to Portland, Oregon in September, but after that, the future is open. I'll likely go somewhere south for the winter, maybe Cali or Hawaii. Or back to Texas. I'm not sure. Part of the benefit of having a nomadic state of mind is that anytime I want to leave, or to be somewhere else, I can and will.
I'm focused right now on building up my psychic protection, and power. I know I will need to be at the top of my game for when I go back to see my family. I'm definitely the black sheep. The unpredictable one. My parents keep telling me to do something with my life. Don't they know that I AM?? My job when I go back to Texas is to BE the highest expression of myself possible. That is my goal. It is my job right NOW, but the displacement of space in the location switch and the resulting flow of energy will enable me to shift into that gear with effortless and powerful grace.
Power and grace. That reminds me...
I've formed an alliance with Velkess. Finally, after years of waiting for me to come around, she's gotten what she's wanted from the beginning. Let me just explain something. I've tried being her ally before, but she overwhelmed me. She was too much. She was a dominating demon, not a helpful companion. We've gone through so much together, she and I, over the years; a lot of struggle, a lot of moments where I've had to lock her away in a chamber of light, which was torture for her. She has completely ruled me in the image of her shadow. I've experienced such darkness and evil within her that it's hard for me to see her any other way. But things have Changed. My perspective is not what it once was. I have come to look at her in a new way. To my surprise, I see that now holding Velkess's energy in my being is not difficult anymore. I find that I AM NO LONGER OVERWHELMED BY HER; I AM A MATCH FOR HER.
This makes me giddy, because it's a sign that my channel has strengthened, and that means I'm doing something right afterall! No matter the physical changes from eating raw and exercising and whatnot, but spiritually you become stronger, more able to handle energy flow. Paetreyl told me years ago during a shroom trip that I needed to improve the quality and strength of my channel, to handle more energy. Velkess is a POWERFUL energy flow, and I have been unable to handle it to my positive advantage until recently.
It's so liberating. To FINALLY have access to this powerful ally! She is amazing. I am utterly entranced. She's already helped me so much. A few nights ago, I hit a few solid hours of what I can only describe as “rock bottom.” Man, that place was gnarly. A psychotic episode, the type I haven't had in months. I'd felt it coming on for days, like I was being stretched too thin or something, like I was having less and less ability to cope with the most simple things, and then one late night it took hold full throttle. I was full-out hallucinating blood and massive life-threatening injuries all over myself. I would look down at my arms, and see huge pulpy rivets where I had cut myself to the bone, veins splayed everywhere. I felt the pain. My arms ached. I saw my body get destroyed in a thousand different grisly scenarios. It just hurt more and more, bringing me out of my head with fear. Terrible paranoia, hearing people's thoughts, hearing them talk shit about me psychically. Just really awful paranoia. These are visions that aren't just fantasies. They seem like they're actually happening, and I can't tell the difference between what is real and what isn't. All my senses get screwed up, what I hear and see and experience all seems twisted. The discrepancy creates a type of suffering that is truly heinous, as bridging the gap between what real and what isn't usually includes injuring myself. To feel sane again, and real. And also to punish myself for being so terrible. That night when I reached the apex of this suffering, I had to lock myself in the truck cab to feel safe, because I was so scared of what might happen to me. I saw myself falling over the cliff in the forest, crushed on the rocks and then strewn to bloody ribbons. I saw a knife protruding from my chest, digging into my heart, the blade skewering and scrambling my insides. I wailed in total hysterics, just lost, and so confused, not sure what was real...feeling like I could trust no one, not even myself...
Yep, that is a pretty classic psychotic episode for me. I don't have them too often anymore...maybe like a few times a year vs a few times a day, a few years ago. I guess I have come a long way.
Still, sometimes they happen, usually as a result of not being diligent with the “Absolutes,” as my friend JacquesCousteau terms them. Absolutes are things that you just always make happen, no matter what. Exercise, for me, is an Absolute must. I fell out of it for a few weeks, but continued to eat high-fruit....well...the energy must have been building...
When I was in the truck cab the other night, thinking I would leave the truck and go wander around in the rain to look for something to injure myself on, I started to have Otherly happenings. I felt like something was pushing around inside of me. I was alone, but I heard a voice say, in a very bitchy and incensed snarl: “NO! I deserve to be treated properly.”
The thought scissored through my confusion. Like really, one moment I was about to do something really disastrous, and then the next moment I felt like someone had taken possession of the situation. It was Velkess, come to stake her claim on my body. She's always wanted it. Then, in my moment of utter weakness, she identified with me, and gave me a sense of self-value that left me trembling and in awe. I couldn't believe how different I felt all of a sudden. *I* deserve to be treated properly?? ME??! Both of us??! Oh, okay, it all makes sense. Velkess has a sense of self-preservation. She does look out for Paetreyl's well-being on multiple occasions. She WILL be treated properly, or ELSE. This was her chance to explain herself, to lay it all out on the table. She brought with her a rush of fire. I felt information flow into me. I realized that I had been depriving myself of a powerful inner strength and fortitude, the likes of which I've never experienced before, just because of my preconceived judgments on Velkess, an aspect of Self that has physically manifested in ways that I labeled as “dark” or “evil.” But it was just my limited perspective at the time. Like Paetreyl, Velkess has a spiritual higher self, and a physical more egoic self. She has been coming to me from a higher perspective lately. When incarnated, Velkess plays a role. She is NEEDED. She is NECESSARY, for the fulfillment of BEING. She MUST EXIST. And I realized, most of all, to be fully WHOLE~ I must embrace who she is completely. I must love her unconditionally.
What did she offer in return, should I accept her into my heart? Well, Power, of course, what else? ;-)
\
\
The truth is, I'm not in a position to refuse an offer of joining with her. She came to me from a high place in my moment of need, and stated her case very earnestly. She took away my bad visions completely and showed me everything she could do to help me. She eased my emotional hurts by gifting me with a confidence of the inherent rightness of BEING HERE. She is ridiculously confident, but she's no megalomaniac. She is ambitious and power-driven, but she's not mad with power. She is dominating and forceful, but she's no tyrant.
She gave me sanity again. I can't explain it.
I think I admire her.
Ever since I've made our alliance official (no more boxes of light for her; she travels with the rest of the group and she can have all the shadow she wants) I've felt like I've had the power to do anything. I've felt at peace. I've felt a proud sense of boldness. I can't explain this feeling, but it's like...with Velkess on my side, I can do ANYTHING. She is the shit. When I connect with her, I feel like I'm on a drug, like I'm flying. I love how strong she feels. And how that strength is now mine.
I do feel Whole. I feel like she is a valuable member of my inner circle. The Others have traveled with her before, but it's different now, because they see how much of an asset her power is to their cause and how much the protection of her magic is necessary.
Anyway, she'll be on her best behavior for a little while. Then, in true fashion, she will make a bid for more power. ;-P That's just how the game goes with her. I love it. I'm starting to see the fun in it.
She is fire. I feel like she is closely connected to my 3rd chakra, Manipura, the one in my belly. She is a fruit-eating advocate. She fuels my desire to eat fruit. She fuels my desire to exercise too, to feel at my most beautiful and feel my highest strength all the time. She fuels my desire for good things in my life; she fuels my want to make manifest my dreams, to bring all that I desire to fruit. She fuels my desire. I think she IS desire...
But it's a high thing, it truly is. She seems evil because desire is what keeps us rooted in samsara, in the cycle of life and rebirth over and over again. And in her incarnation, she has lessons to learn about desire. But right now, she is such a help. She is feminine essence. “All good things come to me...” That is her mantra.
She is a powerful sorcerer. Always has been, always will be.
And you know what? I have seen how she is not evil; just misunderstood.
Clearly we are still getting to know one another. But it is fascinating, nonetheless.
*
6/22/2009
A new day, and it's raining out. I wanted to write in this journal, but now I'm not sure what to say. I'm constantly on the brink of tears. It seems like my life is falling apart all around me again. I didn't have a good morning. I woke up to men with chainsaws right outside our “walls,” and Icarus barking his head off at them, at 7AM. Their chainsaws are still going, and it's after 12pm.
I've already been in one fight. Well. Kevin said I was trying to fight, but really I was just being honest, and running my mouth. I didn't have anyone to talk to, so I started talking to Kevin about what was on my mind, which happened to be HIM.
Everything went downhill after that.
Anyway, It's more obvious to me then ever that I need to get out of here. I think it's proper to leave a place if it feels WRONG to be there. Well. It feels WRONG where I'm at right now. Very very WRONG. I'm not supposed to be here. I feel it. I need to leave, and I feel like it can't be fast enough. It isn't just a flight response. It's a cold reality. Because I don't know what else to do. I need to get away.
So I'm going to listen. I was already intending on going to Texas for a month. I think I need to leave pretty soon. Things are just getting worse and worse for me here. Sure, yeah, I get it. I have A LOT to be thankful for. I should be absolutely appreciative of everything I have. And I am. But there's one big glaring problem and it's that I'm stuck in a cycle of behavior with an individual in my life. Living with my ex in a very small space is not working. I won't say what's been happening between us, and I really want to, and I need to, but I don't know if a public journal is the best place for it. I need to cut ties with this person for awhile, maybe a long time. I need to get away from them, and they need to get away from me, in order for both of us to become better people.
And I know that's growth.
But
It's horrendously sad
and terribly necessary.
I feel like I'm breaking apart inside. I don't know who to turn to. I know I need to appreciate everything I have, but I am undergoing a personal change in my life and it makes me feel like my heart is getting crushed. I'm feeling a lot of turbulent things. I am defensive. Like I'm hurting and like I'm about to lash out, out of pain. Then I feel pain at wanting to cause pain, out of defensiveness, because of vulnerability. I am so lost I am considering becoming a devout Christian for a little while. I'm struggling with knowing that I HAVE WORTH and yet seeing no direct physical worth in front of me. I feel like I have nothing, like I am nothing. I can't measure my worth as a person with physical objects. But for some reason I've been conditioned by society to believe that the more I own, the more worthy of love I am. And I am just now noticing this layer of conditioning and it is upsetting me, because I have nothing, and I'm realizing it. I feel like I've been swallowed by...something else...spit out, and now I'm left in the desert with only what I can carry.
More then ever I feel like I don't belong in this world, that I don't know who I am, like I am suffering, like I am alone and loveless. I know in my head this may not be so, but it's my experience at the moment. Even as I have used others, I myself feel used.
I am terribly afraid, but I am even more afraid of what will happen to me if I stay here.
I can't get a grip. I feel like I'm in a sinkhole trying to swim to the surface. And some days are better then others, but usually it is just gray despair. On the sunny days, I am sunny. On the cloudy days, rainy windy days...my mood is equally stormy. There has been too much gray rain. I don't know why, but I haven't been able to “settle” up here. It's either because I'm nomadic and that's just how I am, or because my life situation isn't allowing me to thrive. I have got to drastically change everything and find out the truth.
6/23/2009
Today is going better then yesterday. I've been purely fruity for awhile, and I'm starting to feel that distinctive fruit “high,” that feels like you are ecstatic or happy all the time. I'm starting to feel that now, like I'm just at the edge of total bliss, crossing over into paradise. I am committed to 100% fruit. In fact I am clinging to fruitarianism like it's a life preserver for my sanity, and it well in fact may be. Even if I am lost and helpless, if I can be a good little fruitarian, then everything is okay.
I've been eating mostly grapes, some strawberries, some watermelon. Some orange juice. No spices. No salt. I just want to be pure and clean. I want to be so fresh and so pure and so clean, and I want to feel it, feel it TRULY inside of me, the way that only fruit makes me feel. I feel like even if I have nothing else going for me in my life, even if I am a total “loser” by societies standards, if I can be a good little fruitarian, then I am in the lead.
Raw vegan is my default. It's easy to stay raw. Eating high fruit, low fat is the best type of raw vegan though, in my experience. It really lifts you up.
Eating fruit feels like a deep journey to the center of the Earth. It feels like the cosmos are aligning and that reality is pulling out all the stops, just for you...
NO exaggeration. If you think I'm making all this up, eat sufficient calories from 100% fruit for a month, and see for yourself. Something definitely happens. The naysayers are always the ones who have never tried it for themselves.
I think the longer one goes on a high fruit diet, the better it gets. As far as my own journey goes, I'm still new at all of this. Compared to the 24+ years eating crappy food, I am still such a tiny baby when it comes to my own raw, fruity journey. I guess I have to look at all this transforming stuff practically. I still have so much healing left to do. I strive to be a good behavioral example of what the diet can do, but I'm still a work in progress, as this journal indicates.
I know I have to cut myself some slack. I'm so hard on myself that I end up freezing up and getting helpless. I'm on the job hunt again. I want to get some cash before I go.
When I called my parents yesterday, to talk to them about going back to Texas for a little while, they gave me a lecture on how I'm an adult now, 26, and that I have GOT to start being able to fend for myself in the world. I know they are right. But I feel like they are being a little unfair, because if they had done their jobs as parents, then I would be just fine on my own at 26. The thing is, I feel stuck in youth. I feel like I didn't age past the point when I starting using cutting as a way to cope, or something. I feel “behind” a lot of other people my own age, like I am still a child, in both mind and body. I suppose that's another reason why I love eating fruit. Raw fruit slows the aging process.
I don't want to grow up. I want to be a little girl forever. Markos the Gnostic on the Shroomery told me once that the “Eternal Child” is an archetype he notices in my posts. He told me this years ago and I'm just now realizing how spot on he was. I just want to be a little girl forever, wandering aimlessly through the woods.
I told my mom how little I need. She was wondering where I would sleep if I stayed with her, and I told her I could just sleep in a tent in their back yard and she flipped out. So did my dad. They told me it would be wrong for me to sleep out in a tent in their yard. Their reaction was peculiar; they said that no daughter of theirs will have to sleep in the yard. Then my mom started asking me about what I want out of life. I said I don't know what I want at all, that I am lost and that's why I don't want anything. Mom told me that she wants me to want nice NORMAL things in life, to want to sleep in a nice soft bed, in a nice house. She wants me to want a good job, and a stable lifestyle. She wants me to want these nice, NORMAL things. She thinks I don't want them or strive for them because I have a low opinion of myself.
I can't explain how deeply the conversation effected me. I felt like I was visually seeing the divide between myself and my society. Why DON'T I want these nice wonderful things? Why don't I want a nice, normal, stable lifestyle? Do I think that I deserve it?
What do I want?
I want to wander off into the sunset, eating fruit and writing stories.
That's all I want. It's what I want so deeply.
Wandering
Fruit
Story
Sometimes I want to disappear. You know what? I think when you eat sweet fruit for a very very long time, you might start to disappear. I had this realization upon getting high for the first time, after my long water fast. It was the straw that almost broke the camel's back. The only time I have ever questioned the low-fat raw vegan diet, was when I looked at what I was doing with it, from a spiritual perspective and my ego got scared. And I realized that eating this way greatly assists in making you light, especially when you commit. I mean, how light could someone get? What would that be like? The speculation scared me. When I have faith in eating only what Mother Nature intended, in a whole, ripe, raw state, it feels like truly placing my faith in GOD, or something. Because I don't know what will happen if I continue eating this way. It goes against the grain of society in a big way.
I love that. It satisfies me deep deep down, in the pit of my being. Another plus.
I don't know how I got on this topic again.
Here is what people don't seem to understand:
What I want changes
because I am a New Person, ALL THE TIME
I don't want a lot of physical possessions
because it adds to my karma
I have QUITE ENOUGH to carry around as it is, trust me. And I'm not talking physical.
I am dualistic.
I don't need credentials, or someone to tell me that I'm a smart person, because I've already determined that the worldly human population is absolutely insane. Either they are, or I am, and if I start doubting myself now then I might as well just die. We probably all are, but that means that my path is just as legitimate as the next crazy fucker. I am NOT NORMAL...and I won't pretend to be. The idea makes me want to puke.
Sometimes I fantasize about accomplishing myself in their System. Of going to college, getting an education according to THEIR standards. I think it would be a fun challenge for me.
But I don't think I'm ready for college yet. I told my parents this. I told my dad how I don't dare go to college when I feel the urge to wander. When I'm so restless, both driven and lost...
I must believe in myself. I am queer. I am unusual, by my very nature, and I must embrace myself in my purest, fullest state in order to consciously design my life. It is all for me. I know it; this lifetime...is mine. It is what I need, perfectly, right now...and I must believe in myself, in order to fulfill my role, my dharma. I don't know what it is. I cry when I realize I am out of control. It feels like I've merely become a puppet. Everything I contrive of, I simply fail at. I have to be my NATURAL SELF. Yes. That's another thing I want.
The song, 'Sooner or Later' reminds me of Paetreyl. The way I feel when I listen to it makes me think of him. And some of the words. He's been 'Away,' incarnated. I'm seeing more of his life, more of his “childhood.” I'm seeing his CHANGE. How it rends him apart. Only natural I suppose...considering the Change in my life right now. We are echoes of each other. I love him so much. His entire life is flipped inside out, quite suddenly. I am just quietly watching. I am watching how he is torn apart, how he is grown Anew, his modification when the wire is removed. He becomes something beyond his wildest dreams.
It is a painful process, CHANGE.
I had a dream that I was a tiny, tinker-belly style fairy, crumpled up, hurting, feeling in such pain. I was just laying in the forest somewhere, suffering. Then next thing I know, I am scooped up, and I look up and see that it's Paetreyl, and he's holding me cupped in his hands. He holds me while I cry in pain, and then he blows on me, air from his insides, sweeping over my body, ruffling my wings. Suddenly I feel better, I'm not hurting anymore.
And I woke up then. It was such a good dream. Made me feel very healed.
I've accepted my mad state. You see me rambling here? It's cathartic, releasing. This is how I really am and I can't hide it...I want to so bad, but then I'm just alone.
I am watching how Velkess operates. She is an agent of the shadows. Aye, that's how she's always been, but it's just interesting to see her behavior now that she's around.
Did I tell any of you how I've been seeing people everywhere? Yes, I dunno, maybe it comes from being nearby a forest for a little while, I dunno, I am just always seeing people lurking out on the sides of my vision. I am seeing people standing around. Just shadowy forms, even when I'm in daylight. I am noticing street signs becoming people, like a shadowy form extending off the streetsign, leering at me. I've just been really noticing creatures that I interpret as 'BEINGS,' coming around me lately. They are shadowy, and their features are becoming more pronounced. Some of them have sinister emanations and others are more of a softer blue, a gentle nature. I wonder if I am seeing fairies.
Do you see how she helps me? She is of that world, she knows the denizens that call it home, and seek to terrorize the living. Velkess makes mince-meat out of the undead. She wipes them clean. She is immensely powerful when it comes to shadowplay. INobody can hurt me when Velkess is at the top of her game. She is a rabid magical warrior and there's almost no threat she can't dispose of, singlehandedly. Even Mordemus sees the necessity of utilizing her at this point in the game. Paetreyl is still sulky about it, but...that's because they still have beef they need to work out. Her kidnapping and torturing him that one time is kinda a sore subject. But that was before they'd gotten to know each other.
Maybe it's part of self-acceptance.
Just a quick update. I want to start updating more regularly, one way or another. I'm living on the land in the back forest of a Self-Storage facility, kind of in the boonies. I'm like 10 miles away in every direction from, well...everything. It's not so bad. There are blackberries everywhere, and we're pretty much left alone. I'm still living with Kevin, but that will be changing soon. The warmer it gets with the encroaching summer, the less comfortable I feel inside the trailer and the more crowded and cramped and dirty it seems. With every warm day, the more my desire to be outdoors increases. I love the outdoors. I'm getting used to the perpetual sweaty/muggy dirty-fingernails bug-bitedness of the experience. Soon I'll have a tent, and it will be a breath of fresh air. I need a job to get a tent though. I'm working on it.
Kevin and I discussed my moving out, and it's an inevitability at this point. To help myself cut ties, I'll be going to Texas in August, to help me get some space away from my ex and the situation in Massachusetts. I don't know how I will feel when I get there, but I have faith and confidence in the self-adjustment and growth I will experience back home with my family again, after years and years of living away. Even before I left for Massachusetts, I lived in Austin and never saw my family more then once or twice a year. I haven't lived with them, or nearby them since I was a teenager. What happened then was that my relationship with my family was so abusive, destroyed and fucked up that I left and was estranged from them with no contact for about a year. We hated each other.
Since then, over many healing experiences using patience and love, I've let go of just about every reason I've had to despise them. I don't think I'm hanging onto anything, but we shall see. I've come to see my parents as my equals. Going back THERE will be such a lesson in growth for me, I can feel it. I haven't seen my brothers in so long. One of them is about to be a father. I can't believe it. My best friend from high school is getting remarried. My mom said Sarah, the girl I used to go horsebackriding with at the ranch, was asking about me recently. I dunno, I feel it's time I go back to Texas. I'm not going to set a length of time for my visit. I was thinking the month of August, but we'll see how it goes. I wanted to get a job while I was down there, to reel in some extra cash. I'm going to Portland, Oregon in September, but after that, the future is open. I'll likely go somewhere south for the winter, maybe Cali or Hawaii. Or back to Texas. I'm not sure. Part of the benefit of having a nomadic state of mind is that anytime I want to leave, or to be somewhere else, I can and will.
I'm focused right now on building up my psychic protection, and power. I know I will need to be at the top of my game for when I go back to see my family. I'm definitely the black sheep. The unpredictable one. My parents keep telling me to do something with my life. Don't they know that I AM?? My job when I go back to Texas is to BE the highest expression of myself possible. That is my goal. It is my job right NOW, but the displacement of space in the location switch and the resulting flow of energy will enable me to shift into that gear with effortless and powerful grace.
Power and grace. That reminds me...
I've formed an alliance with Velkess. Finally, after years of waiting for me to come around, she's gotten what she's wanted from the beginning. Let me just explain something. I've tried being her ally before, but she overwhelmed me. She was too much. She was a dominating demon, not a helpful companion. We've gone through so much together, she and I, over the years; a lot of struggle, a lot of moments where I've had to lock her away in a chamber of light, which was torture for her. She has completely ruled me in the image of her shadow. I've experienced such darkness and evil within her that it's hard for me to see her any other way. But things have Changed. My perspective is not what it once was. I have come to look at her in a new way. To my surprise, I see that now holding Velkess's energy in my being is not difficult anymore. I find that I AM NO LONGER OVERWHELMED BY HER; I AM A MATCH FOR HER.
This makes me giddy, because it's a sign that my channel has strengthened, and that means I'm doing something right afterall! No matter the physical changes from eating raw and exercising and whatnot, but spiritually you become stronger, more able to handle energy flow. Paetreyl told me years ago during a shroom trip that I needed to improve the quality and strength of my channel, to handle more energy. Velkess is a POWERFUL energy flow, and I have been unable to handle it to my positive advantage until recently.
It's so liberating. To FINALLY have access to this powerful ally! She is amazing. I am utterly entranced. She's already helped me so much. A few nights ago, I hit a few solid hours of what I can only describe as “rock bottom.” Man, that place was gnarly. A psychotic episode, the type I haven't had in months. I'd felt it coming on for days, like I was being stretched too thin or something, like I was having less and less ability to cope with the most simple things, and then one late night it took hold full throttle. I was full-out hallucinating blood and massive life-threatening injuries all over myself. I would look down at my arms, and see huge pulpy rivets where I had cut myself to the bone, veins splayed everywhere. I felt the pain. My arms ached. I saw my body get destroyed in a thousand different grisly scenarios. It just hurt more and more, bringing me out of my head with fear. Terrible paranoia, hearing people's thoughts, hearing them talk shit about me psychically. Just really awful paranoia. These are visions that aren't just fantasies. They seem like they're actually happening, and I can't tell the difference between what is real and what isn't. All my senses get screwed up, what I hear and see and experience all seems twisted. The discrepancy creates a type of suffering that is truly heinous, as bridging the gap between what real and what isn't usually includes injuring myself. To feel sane again, and real. And also to punish myself for being so terrible. That night when I reached the apex of this suffering, I had to lock myself in the truck cab to feel safe, because I was so scared of what might happen to me. I saw myself falling over the cliff in the forest, crushed on the rocks and then strewn to bloody ribbons. I saw a knife protruding from my chest, digging into my heart, the blade skewering and scrambling my insides. I wailed in total hysterics, just lost, and so confused, not sure what was real...feeling like I could trust no one, not even myself...
Yep, that is a pretty classic psychotic episode for me. I don't have them too often anymore...maybe like a few times a year vs a few times a day, a few years ago. I guess I have come a long way.
Still, sometimes they happen, usually as a result of not being diligent with the “Absolutes,” as my friend JacquesCousteau terms them. Absolutes are things that you just always make happen, no matter what. Exercise, for me, is an Absolute must. I fell out of it for a few weeks, but continued to eat high-fruit....well...the energy must have been building...
When I was in the truck cab the other night, thinking I would leave the truck and go wander around in the rain to look for something to injure myself on, I started to have Otherly happenings. I felt like something was pushing around inside of me. I was alone, but I heard a voice say, in a very bitchy and incensed snarl: “NO! I deserve to be treated properly.”
The thought scissored through my confusion. Like really, one moment I was about to do something really disastrous, and then the next moment I felt like someone had taken possession of the situation. It was Velkess, come to stake her claim on my body. She's always wanted it. Then, in my moment of utter weakness, she identified with me, and gave me a sense of self-value that left me trembling and in awe. I couldn't believe how different I felt all of a sudden. *I* deserve to be treated properly?? ME??! Both of us??! Oh, okay, it all makes sense. Velkess has a sense of self-preservation. She does look out for Paetreyl's well-being on multiple occasions. She WILL be treated properly, or ELSE. This was her chance to explain herself, to lay it all out on the table. She brought with her a rush of fire. I felt information flow into me. I realized that I had been depriving myself of a powerful inner strength and fortitude, the likes of which I've never experienced before, just because of my preconceived judgments on Velkess, an aspect of Self that has physically manifested in ways that I labeled as “dark” or “evil.” But it was just my limited perspective at the time. Like Paetreyl, Velkess has a spiritual higher self, and a physical more egoic self. She has been coming to me from a higher perspective lately. When incarnated, Velkess plays a role. She is NEEDED. She is NECESSARY, for the fulfillment of BEING. She MUST EXIST. And I realized, most of all, to be fully WHOLE~ I must embrace who she is completely. I must love her unconditionally.
What did she offer in return, should I accept her into my heart? Well, Power, of course, what else? ;-)
\
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The truth is, I'm not in a position to refuse an offer of joining with her. She came to me from a high place in my moment of need, and stated her case very earnestly. She took away my bad visions completely and showed me everything she could do to help me. She eased my emotional hurts by gifting me with a confidence of the inherent rightness of BEING HERE. She is ridiculously confident, but she's no megalomaniac. She is ambitious and power-driven, but she's not mad with power. She is dominating and forceful, but she's no tyrant.
She gave me sanity again. I can't explain it.
I think I admire her.
Ever since I've made our alliance official (no more boxes of light for her; she travels with the rest of the group and she can have all the shadow she wants) I've felt like I've had the power to do anything. I've felt at peace. I've felt a proud sense of boldness. I can't explain this feeling, but it's like...with Velkess on my side, I can do ANYTHING. She is the shit. When I connect with her, I feel like I'm on a drug, like I'm flying. I love how strong she feels. And how that strength is now mine.
I do feel Whole. I feel like she is a valuable member of my inner circle. The Others have traveled with her before, but it's different now, because they see how much of an asset her power is to their cause and how much the protection of her magic is necessary.
Anyway, she'll be on her best behavior for a little while. Then, in true fashion, she will make a bid for more power. ;-P That's just how the game goes with her. I love it. I'm starting to see the fun in it.
She is fire. I feel like she is closely connected to my 3rd chakra, Manipura, the one in my belly. She is a fruit-eating advocate. She fuels my desire to eat fruit. She fuels my desire to exercise too, to feel at my most beautiful and feel my highest strength all the time. She fuels my desire for good things in my life; she fuels my want to make manifest my dreams, to bring all that I desire to fruit. She fuels my desire. I think she IS desire...
But it's a high thing, it truly is. She seems evil because desire is what keeps us rooted in samsara, in the cycle of life and rebirth over and over again. And in her incarnation, she has lessons to learn about desire. But right now, she is such a help. She is feminine essence. “All good things come to me...” That is her mantra.
She is a powerful sorcerer. Always has been, always will be.
And you know what? I have seen how she is not evil; just misunderstood.
Clearly we are still getting to know one another. But it is fascinating, nonetheless.
*
6/22/2009
A new day, and it's raining out. I wanted to write in this journal, but now I'm not sure what to say. I'm constantly on the brink of tears. It seems like my life is falling apart all around me again. I didn't have a good morning. I woke up to men with chainsaws right outside our “walls,” and Icarus barking his head off at them, at 7AM. Their chainsaws are still going, and it's after 12pm.
I've already been in one fight. Well. Kevin said I was trying to fight, but really I was just being honest, and running my mouth. I didn't have anyone to talk to, so I started talking to Kevin about what was on my mind, which happened to be HIM.
Everything went downhill after that.
Anyway, It's more obvious to me then ever that I need to get out of here. I think it's proper to leave a place if it feels WRONG to be there. Well. It feels WRONG where I'm at right now. Very very WRONG. I'm not supposed to be here. I feel it. I need to leave, and I feel like it can't be fast enough. It isn't just a flight response. It's a cold reality. Because I don't know what else to do. I need to get away.
So I'm going to listen. I was already intending on going to Texas for a month. I think I need to leave pretty soon. Things are just getting worse and worse for me here. Sure, yeah, I get it. I have A LOT to be thankful for. I should be absolutely appreciative of everything I have. And I am. But there's one big glaring problem and it's that I'm stuck in a cycle of behavior with an individual in my life. Living with my ex in a very small space is not working. I won't say what's been happening between us, and I really want to, and I need to, but I don't know if a public journal is the best place for it. I need to cut ties with this person for awhile, maybe a long time. I need to get away from them, and they need to get away from me, in order for both of us to become better people.
And I know that's growth.
But
It's horrendously sad
and terribly necessary.
I feel like I'm breaking apart inside. I don't know who to turn to. I know I need to appreciate everything I have, but I am undergoing a personal change in my life and it makes me feel like my heart is getting crushed. I'm feeling a lot of turbulent things. I am defensive. Like I'm hurting and like I'm about to lash out, out of pain. Then I feel pain at wanting to cause pain, out of defensiveness, because of vulnerability. I am so lost I am considering becoming a devout Christian for a little while. I'm struggling with knowing that I HAVE WORTH and yet seeing no direct physical worth in front of me. I feel like I have nothing, like I am nothing. I can't measure my worth as a person with physical objects. But for some reason I've been conditioned by society to believe that the more I own, the more worthy of love I am. And I am just now noticing this layer of conditioning and it is upsetting me, because I have nothing, and I'm realizing it. I feel like I've been swallowed by...something else...spit out, and now I'm left in the desert with only what I can carry.
More then ever I feel like I don't belong in this world, that I don't know who I am, like I am suffering, like I am alone and loveless. I know in my head this may not be so, but it's my experience at the moment. Even as I have used others, I myself feel used.
I am terribly afraid, but I am even more afraid of what will happen to me if I stay here.
I can't get a grip. I feel like I'm in a sinkhole trying to swim to the surface. And some days are better then others, but usually it is just gray despair. On the sunny days, I am sunny. On the cloudy days, rainy windy days...my mood is equally stormy. There has been too much gray rain. I don't know why, but I haven't been able to “settle” up here. It's either because I'm nomadic and that's just how I am, or because my life situation isn't allowing me to thrive. I have got to drastically change everything and find out the truth.
6/23/2009
Today is going better then yesterday. I've been purely fruity for awhile, and I'm starting to feel that distinctive fruit “high,” that feels like you are ecstatic or happy all the time. I'm starting to feel that now, like I'm just at the edge of total bliss, crossing over into paradise. I am committed to 100% fruit. In fact I am clinging to fruitarianism like it's a life preserver for my sanity, and it well in fact may be. Even if I am lost and helpless, if I can be a good little fruitarian, then everything is okay.
I've been eating mostly grapes, some strawberries, some watermelon. Some orange juice. No spices. No salt. I just want to be pure and clean. I want to be so fresh and so pure and so clean, and I want to feel it, feel it TRULY inside of me, the way that only fruit makes me feel. I feel like even if I have nothing else going for me in my life, even if I am a total “loser” by societies standards, if I can be a good little fruitarian, then I am in the lead.
Raw vegan is my default. It's easy to stay raw. Eating high fruit, low fat is the best type of raw vegan though, in my experience. It really lifts you up.
Eating fruit feels like a deep journey to the center of the Earth. It feels like the cosmos are aligning and that reality is pulling out all the stops, just for you...
NO exaggeration. If you think I'm making all this up, eat sufficient calories from 100% fruit for a month, and see for yourself. Something definitely happens. The naysayers are always the ones who have never tried it for themselves.
I think the longer one goes on a high fruit diet, the better it gets. As far as my own journey goes, I'm still new at all of this. Compared to the 24+ years eating crappy food, I am still such a tiny baby when it comes to my own raw, fruity journey. I guess I have to look at all this transforming stuff practically. I still have so much healing left to do. I strive to be a good behavioral example of what the diet can do, but I'm still a work in progress, as this journal indicates.
I know I have to cut myself some slack. I'm so hard on myself that I end up freezing up and getting helpless. I'm on the job hunt again. I want to get some cash before I go.
When I called my parents yesterday, to talk to them about going back to Texas for a little while, they gave me a lecture on how I'm an adult now, 26, and that I have GOT to start being able to fend for myself in the world. I know they are right. But I feel like they are being a little unfair, because if they had done their jobs as parents, then I would be just fine on my own at 26. The thing is, I feel stuck in youth. I feel like I didn't age past the point when I starting using cutting as a way to cope, or something. I feel “behind” a lot of other people my own age, like I am still a child, in both mind and body. I suppose that's another reason why I love eating fruit. Raw fruit slows the aging process.
I don't want to grow up. I want to be a little girl forever. Markos the Gnostic on the Shroomery told me once that the “Eternal Child” is an archetype he notices in my posts. He told me this years ago and I'm just now realizing how spot on he was. I just want to be a little girl forever, wandering aimlessly through the woods.
I told my mom how little I need. She was wondering where I would sleep if I stayed with her, and I told her I could just sleep in a tent in their back yard and she flipped out. So did my dad. They told me it would be wrong for me to sleep out in a tent in their yard. Their reaction was peculiar; they said that no daughter of theirs will have to sleep in the yard. Then my mom started asking me about what I want out of life. I said I don't know what I want at all, that I am lost and that's why I don't want anything. Mom told me that she wants me to want nice NORMAL things in life, to want to sleep in a nice soft bed, in a nice house. She wants me to want a good job, and a stable lifestyle. She wants me to want these nice, NORMAL things. She thinks I don't want them or strive for them because I have a low opinion of myself.
I can't explain how deeply the conversation effected me. I felt like I was visually seeing the divide between myself and my society. Why DON'T I want these nice wonderful things? Why don't I want a nice, normal, stable lifestyle? Do I think that I deserve it?
What do I want?
I want to wander off into the sunset, eating fruit and writing stories.
That's all I want. It's what I want so deeply.
Wandering
Fruit
Story
Sometimes I want to disappear. You know what? I think when you eat sweet fruit for a very very long time, you might start to disappear. I had this realization upon getting high for the first time, after my long water fast. It was the straw that almost broke the camel's back. The only time I have ever questioned the low-fat raw vegan diet, was when I looked at what I was doing with it, from a spiritual perspective and my ego got scared. And I realized that eating this way greatly assists in making you light, especially when you commit. I mean, how light could someone get? What would that be like? The speculation scared me. When I have faith in eating only what Mother Nature intended, in a whole, ripe, raw state, it feels like truly placing my faith in GOD, or something. Because I don't know what will happen if I continue eating this way. It goes against the grain of society in a big way.
I love that. It satisfies me deep deep down, in the pit of my being. Another plus.
I don't know how I got on this topic again.
Here is what people don't seem to understand:
What I want changes
because I am a New Person, ALL THE TIME
I don't want a lot of physical possessions
because it adds to my karma
I have QUITE ENOUGH to carry around as it is, trust me. And I'm not talking physical.
I am dualistic.
I don't need credentials, or someone to tell me that I'm a smart person, because I've already determined that the worldly human population is absolutely insane. Either they are, or I am, and if I start doubting myself now then I might as well just die. We probably all are, but that means that my path is just as legitimate as the next crazy fucker. I am NOT NORMAL...and I won't pretend to be. The idea makes me want to puke.
Sometimes I fantasize about accomplishing myself in their System. Of going to college, getting an education according to THEIR standards. I think it would be a fun challenge for me.
But I don't think I'm ready for college yet. I told my parents this. I told my dad how I don't dare go to college when I feel the urge to wander. When I'm so restless, both driven and lost...
I must believe in myself. I am queer. I am unusual, by my very nature, and I must embrace myself in my purest, fullest state in order to consciously design my life. It is all for me. I know it; this lifetime...is mine. It is what I need, perfectly, right now...and I must believe in myself, in order to fulfill my role, my dharma. I don't know what it is. I cry when I realize I am out of control. It feels like I've merely become a puppet. Everything I contrive of, I simply fail at. I have to be my NATURAL SELF. Yes. That's another thing I want.
The song, 'Sooner or Later' reminds me of Paetreyl. The way I feel when I listen to it makes me think of him. And some of the words. He's been 'Away,' incarnated. I'm seeing more of his life, more of his “childhood.” I'm seeing his CHANGE. How it rends him apart. Only natural I suppose...considering the Change in my life right now. We are echoes of each other. I love him so much. His entire life is flipped inside out, quite suddenly. I am just quietly watching. I am watching how he is torn apart, how he is grown Anew, his modification when the wire is removed. He becomes something beyond his wildest dreams.
It is a painful process, CHANGE.
I had a dream that I was a tiny, tinker-belly style fairy, crumpled up, hurting, feeling in such pain. I was just laying in the forest somewhere, suffering. Then next thing I know, I am scooped up, and I look up and see that it's Paetreyl, and he's holding me cupped in his hands. He holds me while I cry in pain, and then he blows on me, air from his insides, sweeping over my body, ruffling my wings. Suddenly I feel better, I'm not hurting anymore.
And I woke up then. It was such a good dream. Made me feel very healed.
I've accepted my mad state. You see me rambling here? It's cathartic, releasing. This is how I really am and I can't hide it...I want to so bad, but then I'm just alone.
I am watching how Velkess operates. She is an agent of the shadows. Aye, that's how she's always been, but it's just interesting to see her behavior now that she's around.
Did I tell any of you how I've been seeing people everywhere? Yes, I dunno, maybe it comes from being nearby a forest for a little while, I dunno, I am just always seeing people lurking out on the sides of my vision. I am seeing people standing around. Just shadowy forms, even when I'm in daylight. I am noticing street signs becoming people, like a shadowy form extending off the streetsign, leering at me. I've just been really noticing creatures that I interpret as 'BEINGS,' coming around me lately. They are shadowy, and their features are becoming more pronounced. Some of them have sinister emanations and others are more of a softer blue, a gentle nature. I wonder if I am seeing fairies.
Do you see how she helps me? She is of that world, she knows the denizens that call it home, and seek to terrorize the living. Velkess makes mince-meat out of the undead. She wipes them clean. She is immensely powerful when it comes to shadowplay. INobody can hurt me when Velkess is at the top of her game. She is a rabid magical warrior and there's almost no threat she can't dispose of, singlehandedly. Even Mordemus sees the necessity of utilizing her at this point in the game. Paetreyl is still sulky about it, but...that's because they still have beef they need to work out. Her kidnapping and torturing him that one time is kinda a sore subject. But that was before they'd gotten to know each other.
Maybe it's part of self-acceptance.
Friday
Finally stopped raining
Just a quick update, while I recover from the "parking lot incident" which just occurred outside of the library. Let's just say that I almost got into a wreck with Kevin's truck (not my fault) and lost my cool on someone. I forgot to breathe!
I'm breathing now though, and it is HOT in this library. It's actually a welcome change, because the past few days have been full of gray weather and gloomy skies. I've been cold to my core and in fact have felt impossible to warm up. I reached a moment of completely nonacceptance at one point yesterday because I realized I was wearing 2 long sleeve shirts, and a sweater, and was piled in blankets for most of the day, and it is MID-JUNE. It just felt wrong, made me feel vengeful towards the weather up here in New England, but whatever, this is just a temporary place to be. And I want to enjoy the weather, even if it's gray, cold and rainy. Every Place has its own character, and the method of expression is through weather. So I thanked the Universe for the buckets and buckets of rain that poured down. I know that everything will feel so fresh now.
I realized a few things about rain. Firstly, when I was living in an apartment, I barely noticed if it was raining. I mean, I could see through the window when it was raining, but I so rarely "interacted" with the rain with any other sense. In fact I stayed indoors most of the time. HOWEVER, living in the forest in a small trailer, you REALLY notice when it rains. It makes such loud music on the camper, pittering and pattering and glomping; every singular raindrop was heard and felt, alllll night, every time the skies opened up. The trailer also shakes when the rain really comes down hard. So even when I'm tucked away in the trailer beneath several blankets, it's a whole new way to experience the rain. There is so little separating me from it, now. I was trying to fantasize what it would be like to endure such a rainstorm in a tent. I imagine my tent would start to float, unless I had set it up smartly on a hill.
Also, it's impossible to just STAY INSIDE when it's gray and rainy, when you live in a camper which two people and a dog. I often found myself outside with Icarus, playing with his favorite red bouncing ball, throwing it over open campsites and watching him bound away joyfully. I found myself taking lots of walks through the woods, enjoying the damp feeling because it reminded me of Plantasia (that place has to be insanely humid and wet, considering) and Kevin lit lots of small fires outside to cook food even if it was sprinkling. We definitely made the best out of our situation but it wasn't always easy, because everything was SO DAMP. Our clothes and sheets were damp as could be every night, but with the piles of blankets we had, we were able to stay warm.
I drank some tea at some points, decaf. I think caffeine makes me irritable, so I found a tea made from an African plant could Honeybush and found that it made me euphoric and relaxed when sipped. It felt really nice when I was so cold to sip some warm tea.
Foodwise ~ I've reached a new place of understanding with my food relationships. Ever since I was gifted a dinner at the raw restaurant the Organic Garden, I've felt at peace with eating my regular fruit fare again. The only time in my raw journey that I haven't felt at peace, was when I tried to tell myself never to eat at a raw restaurant ever again, to never eat gourmet raw food ever again, that I was now 100% 80/10/10, fruitarian, no exceptions ever, ever again. That was way too restrictive of me. I mean, I'm ONLY 18 months raw, so I still might need my "transitional raw foods" on occasion. I'm still in the process of healing and yeah, it's good to know that if I want the "pizza taste and texture" I can get it, and it will be raw, and actually TASTE like pizza. Also, I still consider myself a raw food newbie ~ there are sooo many quality raw restaurants which I've been wanting to check out at some point.
So I have decided to happily feast on fruit and shoots as my everyday thingie, staying away from all fat except those periods once or twice a month when I will treat myself to some gourmet raw item. And I feel good about this!
I am avoiding the Green Slime (avocado) at all costs, since it has become quite a trigger food for me recently. I simply can't eat it anymore without inducing vomiting, not even in mono-form, so I just won't eat it. It has become repugnant. I would rather eat pumpkin seeds by this point, but I'm doing no overts for a little while. I feel best without them.
The past few days I've been eating lots of fruit, monomealing exclusively, mostly grapes, oranges, watermelon; and including salad too, and cucumber, which totally squashes my desire for anything "extra" at the end of the day. I feel so liberated now that I've loosened some boundaries for my eating, and created others. It feels more RIGHT for where I'm at.
So I did some meditation yesterday, but mostly I've been obsessively working on my journal. I went through all my old journals and all of my wall clippings from my old apartment taken from old journals, and am now making organizing them all in my master journal. I am keeping all the subject matter together; each aspect of my story has been dedicated its own "space" in the journal, for me to add notes and detail to. It's a way for me to organize all my thoughts for the story in one spot. And to my delight I have noticed how much the story is coming to life! How I can really see the flow, right before my eyes, I can truly see the plot unfolding, and it's getting tight. This journal I'm working on is thusly, sort of like an outline for me to reference when I'm writing. It's living, which means it'll probably never truly be completed, but I'm okay with this. I've also started a few other projects on the side, just fun stuff.
I've been working on Velkess's page, gathering intel on her, and as a result, she's been in my consciousness the past few days. Giving any of the Others energy, summons them. We've been talking. She isn't so bad and in fact I am a bit inspired by her tenacity and power. And she offers mega protection. She always offers this, but I'm not making any deals with her of course, until I know more. She and Mordemus are actually on the same team, working for the same goal, it's just that their approaches and motivations are totally different. For Velkess, the means ARE justified. She fights dirty. She's the type of person you do not want as your enemy because she'll make sure you'll suffer. She's sadistic, and she's 100% accepting of this trait in herself. It's also how she was raised. Yet she's not a villain. She's not. She is just fighting for a cause, and her methods are ruthless. The cause, however, is noble.
It's a little fascinating to me right now, learning more about not only Velkess, but the Others.
Kristi wired me some money. My goal is to use it to buy food. I really really want to stop my shoplifting, and it's because of yoga. I got a few yoga magazines to cut up yesterday, and in between choppings, I read a few articles about the yamas. Yamas are a code of conduct for a yogi written by Patanjali's Yoga Sutra. Here they are:
The ones I am truly focused on right now, are Ahimsa, and Asteya, for obvious reasons.
I'm almost finished with my most recent sci-fi book. Genetopia was the name. It's about a futuristic world in which genetically manipulative viruses have morphed the landscape and folk beyond almost all recognition. It's picking up pace and getting more interesting.
I'm thankful to be here.
Time to go~ ::heart::
I'm breathing now though, and it is HOT in this library. It's actually a welcome change, because the past few days have been full of gray weather and gloomy skies. I've been cold to my core and in fact have felt impossible to warm up. I reached a moment of completely nonacceptance at one point yesterday because I realized I was wearing 2 long sleeve shirts, and a sweater, and was piled in blankets for most of the day, and it is MID-JUNE. It just felt wrong, made me feel vengeful towards the weather up here in New England, but whatever, this is just a temporary place to be. And I want to enjoy the weather, even if it's gray, cold and rainy. Every Place has its own character, and the method of expression is through weather. So I thanked the Universe for the buckets and buckets of rain that poured down. I know that everything will feel so fresh now.
I realized a few things about rain. Firstly, when I was living in an apartment, I barely noticed if it was raining. I mean, I could see through the window when it was raining, but I so rarely "interacted" with the rain with any other sense. In fact I stayed indoors most of the time. HOWEVER, living in the forest in a small trailer, you REALLY notice when it rains. It makes such loud music on the camper, pittering and pattering and glomping; every singular raindrop was heard and felt, alllll night, every time the skies opened up. The trailer also shakes when the rain really comes down hard. So even when I'm tucked away in the trailer beneath several blankets, it's a whole new way to experience the rain. There is so little separating me from it, now. I was trying to fantasize what it would be like to endure such a rainstorm in a tent. I imagine my tent would start to float, unless I had set it up smartly on a hill.
Also, it's impossible to just STAY INSIDE when it's gray and rainy, when you live in a camper which two people and a dog. I often found myself outside with Icarus, playing with his favorite red bouncing ball, throwing it over open campsites and watching him bound away joyfully. I found myself taking lots of walks through the woods, enjoying the damp feeling because it reminded me of Plantasia (that place has to be insanely humid and wet, considering) and Kevin lit lots of small fires outside to cook food even if it was sprinkling. We definitely made the best out of our situation but it wasn't always easy, because everything was SO DAMP. Our clothes and sheets were damp as could be every night, but with the piles of blankets we had, we were able to stay warm.
I drank some tea at some points, decaf. I think caffeine makes me irritable, so I found a tea made from an African plant could Honeybush and found that it made me euphoric and relaxed when sipped. It felt really nice when I was so cold to sip some warm tea.
Foodwise ~ I've reached a new place of understanding with my food relationships. Ever since I was gifted a dinner at the raw restaurant the Organic Garden, I've felt at peace with eating my regular fruit fare again. The only time in my raw journey that I haven't felt at peace, was when I tried to tell myself never to eat at a raw restaurant ever again, to never eat gourmet raw food ever again, that I was now 100% 80/10/10, fruitarian, no exceptions ever, ever again. That was way too restrictive of me. I mean, I'm ONLY 18 months raw, so I still might need my "transitional raw foods" on occasion. I'm still in the process of healing and yeah, it's good to know that if I want the "pizza taste and texture" I can get it, and it will be raw, and actually TASTE like pizza. Also, I still consider myself a raw food newbie ~ there are sooo many quality raw restaurants which I've been wanting to check out at some point.
So I have decided to happily feast on fruit and shoots as my everyday thingie, staying away from all fat except those periods once or twice a month when I will treat myself to some gourmet raw item. And I feel good about this!
I am avoiding the Green Slime (avocado) at all costs, since it has become quite a trigger food for me recently. I simply can't eat it anymore without inducing vomiting, not even in mono-form, so I just won't eat it. It has become repugnant. I would rather eat pumpkin seeds by this point, but I'm doing no overts for a little while. I feel best without them.
The past few days I've been eating lots of fruit, monomealing exclusively, mostly grapes, oranges, watermelon; and including salad too, and cucumber, which totally squashes my desire for anything "extra" at the end of the day. I feel so liberated now that I've loosened some boundaries for my eating, and created others. It feels more RIGHT for where I'm at.
So I did some meditation yesterday, but mostly I've been obsessively working on my journal. I went through all my old journals and all of my wall clippings from my old apartment taken from old journals, and am now making organizing them all in my master journal. I am keeping all the subject matter together; each aspect of my story has been dedicated its own "space" in the journal, for me to add notes and detail to. It's a way for me to organize all my thoughts for the story in one spot. And to my delight I have noticed how much the story is coming to life! How I can really see the flow, right before my eyes, I can truly see the plot unfolding, and it's getting tight. This journal I'm working on is thusly, sort of like an outline for me to reference when I'm writing. It's living, which means it'll probably never truly be completed, but I'm okay with this. I've also started a few other projects on the side, just fun stuff.
I've been working on Velkess's page, gathering intel on her, and as a result, she's been in my consciousness the past few days. Giving any of the Others energy, summons them. We've been talking. She isn't so bad and in fact I am a bit inspired by her tenacity and power. And she offers mega protection. She always offers this, but I'm not making any deals with her of course, until I know more. She and Mordemus are actually on the same team, working for the same goal, it's just that their approaches and motivations are totally different. For Velkess, the means ARE justified. She fights dirty. She's the type of person you do not want as your enemy because she'll make sure you'll suffer. She's sadistic, and she's 100% accepting of this trait in herself. It's also how she was raised. Yet she's not a villain. She's not. She is just fighting for a cause, and her methods are ruthless. The cause, however, is noble.
It's a little fascinating to me right now, learning more about not only Velkess, but the Others.
Kristi wired me some money. My goal is to use it to buy food. I really really want to stop my shoplifting, and it's because of yoga. I got a few yoga magazines to cut up yesterday, and in between choppings, I read a few articles about the yamas. Yamas are a code of conduct for a yogi written by Patanjali's Yoga Sutra. Here they are:
• Ahimsa (non-violence),
• Satya (truthfulness),
• Asteya (non-stealing),
• Brahmacharya (celibacy) and
• Aparigraha (non-covetousness)
Ahimsa
The Sanskrit word Himsa means violence, so Ahimsa translates literally as the avoidance of violence, or non-violence. However, the meaning of this extends far beyond refraining from physically harming your fellow man. The succinct definition of Ahimsa is to abstain from harming any sentient being in thought, word, or deed.
This includes animals, which is why this Yama is frequently linked to vegetarianism.
Also the student’s treatment of self is included – physically and mentally. It also requires us to be mindful of our self-talk and self-criticism, as we are not practicing ahimsa if we harm ourselves, even subconsciously.
The ultimate goal in practicing Ahimsa is to release all hostility, to lose the desire to injure another, perhaps even to the extent that others lose that desire when they are nearby.
Satya
The “Truth” referred to in the Sanskrit word Sat is the Ultimate Truth, the eternal truth of existence.
In terms of honesty, Satya includes and transcends the abstention from lying to encompass the illusions of our perceptions, the acceptance of the divinity and interconnectedness of everyone. The principles of mindful speech fall under this vast Yama of Satya. Words that are neither kind nor necessary would be contrary to the greater truth.
Asteya
Sanskrit Steya means robbery; Asteya is translated as abstention from theft or stealing. Like the other Yamas, Asteya extends beyond the theft of an object from someone else. A person can steal or covet many intangible things, as well, such as attention, the control of a situation, or a child’s opportunity to learn something for himself.
The goal of Asteya is to eliminate any desire for anything that is not rightfully yours.
Brahmacharya
Brahma is the name of any one of a number of deities mentioned in the Vedas, Hinduism and Buddhism. The Sanskrit word char means to walk, and ya means actively, most often the compound word charya is translated as practice. The word Brahmacharya has been translated as “brahmic conduct” or “walking with God”, though frequently it is simplified even further into non-lust, or continence and self-control.
It is abstention from sensual indulgence, such as a chocolate binge or speaking unnecessarily. Ascetic purists see this as complete abstention from sexual intercourse. Modern yogis often interpret this Yama to restrict meaningless sexual encounters, rather than the life-affirming loving kind within a healthy relationship.
Aparigraha
The Sanskrit term for “hoarding” is Parigraha, thus Aparigraha is to abstain from possessiveness, greed, selfishness, acquisitiveness.
In modern consumer society, the concept of “enough” is hard to fathom. This yama calls to mind the sustainability slogan “Live simply so that others may simply live.”
The deeper, more spiritual terms of Aparigraha refer to the mental clinging and grasping we do towards things we desire, and the constant battling of things we don’t want. Releasing that which we do not really need to survive makes everything flow more easily.
Aparigraha is the yogic expression of Buddhism’s non-attachment.
http://spiritual-growth.suite101.com/article.cfm/yamas_quotthou_shalt_notquot_of_yoga#ixzz0IENsN9PM&D
The ones I am truly focused on right now, are Ahimsa, and Asteya, for obvious reasons.
I'm almost finished with my most recent sci-fi book. Genetopia was the name. It's about a futuristic world in which genetically manipulative viruses have morphed the landscape and folk beyond almost all recognition. It's picking up pace and getting more interesting.
I'm thankful to be here.
Time to go~ ::heart::
Tuesday
In its own time...
I am feeling so much more accepting of late. In the past few days, something inside of me has turned over. The first thing I realized, is that EVERYTHING HAPPENS IN ITS OWN TIME. I am learning patience, and how to BE. I realized that everything doesn't have to happen all at once, that there is a process to undergo. I am starting to trust the process. Truly place my faith in it. Last night I was on the phone with my mom and she was ranting about how everyone is going poor and how nobody is going to have any money soon. It startled me, because I had just reached a place of peace in my mind, and I felt the Mordemus in me come out and give her a lecture on how since thoughts create reality, it behooves us to choose positive thoughts, and how faith neutralizes all fear. It was a tidy little spiel. She was silent after that, and we soon hung up.
Where I live...well, it's a nice place to stay right now. I love waking up to the birds all around, and emerging from my cave to feel the sun on my face, the nettles beneath my heels. Everything always so fresh and clean. Kevin and I seem to be getting along better then ever for some reason. I believe it might be all the fresh air, not to mention we are both reading many more books and cooperating a lot more. I am starting to feel like being in the woods is truly wonderful. Everyday there is some new wonder to behold, some fascinating bug to follow, an intriguing wood-grain pattern, or breathtaking flower...I am constantly amazed by the endless depths of Life which I find myself immersed in, everyday. It is Right that I am just Being...not worrying now about taking off on my own, stressing out about it, forcing it. I am starting to understand the difference between FORCE, and FLOW. I like being in the flow more.
I find it so easy to pick up after myself now. Cleaning no longer creates stress; it's so simple. I don't have many 'things' to keep track of, and I like it that way. There hasn't been ONCE that I thought, "Man, I wish I still had that." I definitely have everything I need with me right now. I help Kevin clean up after himself. But only within reason.
My reading time has increased to several hours each day. I start and end my days with a book. I finished the fantasy novel and started another book, this time apocalyptic sci-fi, and am now halfway through. I'm a sponge right now. All I want is information. I am so thankful for public libraries.
I love being a raw vegan. I do. A few days ago I was treated by Kevin to some Organic Garden food, as much as I wanted. Stuff like raw vegan pizza, and raw vegan nachos. All raw, made out of nuts, seeds, fruits and vegetables and very yummy. You see, for a week or more, I'd been craving stuff on their menu. Really bad, so much it was driving me batty, and I was feeling so irritable. I would rather have fasted then eat more fruit, it felt like I needed something very very dense. Eventually Kevin and I talked about it. I've been a raw vegan for over a year and a half now, and perhaps when I am craving some kind of raw food, even if it's gourmet, I need to gift myself that food. We don't know how the body works, and I can tell you...even though digesting dehydrated, fatty raw foods can be uncomfortable, the emotional release I got from it was so worth it. I felt so much better EMOTIONALLY after eating my raw vegan treats, that my body felt better too. It's a symbiosis.
Then the day after, I went pure fruitarian again. Still raw vegan, but cleaner, the cleanest way of eating. I feel good doing that, and as soon as I started eating 100% fruit, it was like the stars aligned and everything I desired in the Universe began to come to me. I have discovered that fruit = flow. I am getting my new driver's license mailed to the PO box Kevin just got this week, so I can get and KEEP a job. A friend in Texas is sending me money in the mail as a gift, because she says she wants to help me out the way I've helped her out in the past. She told me to use the money as I see fit. I had just asked the Universe for a financial boon from the bottom of my heart before hearing this news and was blown away. This was also after working on my "Abundance" page in my journal, so I feel so blessed. I feel like good things are coming to me, in part because of past good things I have done for another.
I'm eating lots of grapes, the most delectable fruit lately. I had some strawberries. And lots of fresh OJ. That stuff is like jet fuel. I don't count my calories right now because I eat more sparingly then I used to. It's just because of need. I want to spread the food around more, save more of it for later. I know my body will adjust. There are occasional feasts. When I keep a job, my food supply will be plentiful, so I'm not worried. I feel very well provided for right now. I do.
It's raining, but to me it seems like the most beautiful morning ever. I walked through the rain barefoot to take a warm shower, for almost 40 minutes, while my cell phone charged, then after I was steamy, I dried off, put my shoes on and went back beneath the canopy to get high on weed vapor while I watched the rain fall, and listened to the birds that still tweeted on regardless. I read the new book I began, and journaled some more. I am writing A LOT more then I used to, just in general. I feel like I just want to make note of everything, to make a record and create a log. It feels satisfying.
My days are SO SIMPLE. They are. I feel really good. I feel like my focus is being narrowed into blocks of time I can just lose myself in. Reading? or Writing? Or bike ride with dog? When I wake up in the morning, there are only a few things I can do. I have been having less and less drive to leave the forest and go into town. I am finding my own comfortable rhythm.
Some people are on my case about "doing something with my life." My mom, and Kristi, the same friend who is sending me the money-gift. They say, "You're 26, when are you going to start doing something with your life?" What they mean is, "When are you going to start making worldly accomplishments a priority?" I truly feel that by simplifying my lifestyle (gradually even more then it is now) I will be able to streamline my focus into following my passion and doing something that is deeply meaningful to me. I believe that's the best I can hope for in life. I know what my mission is. People think you have to be really actively engaged in the world to make a big difference. But that's not how most writers operate.
So overall, I'm happy just being patient and enjoying the process.
Where I live...well, it's a nice place to stay right now. I love waking up to the birds all around, and emerging from my cave to feel the sun on my face, the nettles beneath my heels. Everything always so fresh and clean. Kevin and I seem to be getting along better then ever for some reason. I believe it might be all the fresh air, not to mention we are both reading many more books and cooperating a lot more. I am starting to feel like being in the woods is truly wonderful. Everyday there is some new wonder to behold, some fascinating bug to follow, an intriguing wood-grain pattern, or breathtaking flower...I am constantly amazed by the endless depths of Life which I find myself immersed in, everyday. It is Right that I am just Being...not worrying now about taking off on my own, stressing out about it, forcing it. I am starting to understand the difference between FORCE, and FLOW. I like being in the flow more.
I find it so easy to pick up after myself now. Cleaning no longer creates stress; it's so simple. I don't have many 'things' to keep track of, and I like it that way. There hasn't been ONCE that I thought, "Man, I wish I still had that." I definitely have everything I need with me right now. I help Kevin clean up after himself. But only within reason.
My reading time has increased to several hours each day. I start and end my days with a book. I finished the fantasy novel and started another book, this time apocalyptic sci-fi, and am now halfway through. I'm a sponge right now. All I want is information. I am so thankful for public libraries.
I love being a raw vegan. I do. A few days ago I was treated by Kevin to some Organic Garden food, as much as I wanted. Stuff like raw vegan pizza, and raw vegan nachos. All raw, made out of nuts, seeds, fruits and vegetables and very yummy. You see, for a week or more, I'd been craving stuff on their menu. Really bad, so much it was driving me batty, and I was feeling so irritable. I would rather have fasted then eat more fruit, it felt like I needed something very very dense. Eventually Kevin and I talked about it. I've been a raw vegan for over a year and a half now, and perhaps when I am craving some kind of raw food, even if it's gourmet, I need to gift myself that food. We don't know how the body works, and I can tell you...even though digesting dehydrated, fatty raw foods can be uncomfortable, the emotional release I got from it was so worth it. I felt so much better EMOTIONALLY after eating my raw vegan treats, that my body felt better too. It's a symbiosis.
Then the day after, I went pure fruitarian again. Still raw vegan, but cleaner, the cleanest way of eating. I feel good doing that, and as soon as I started eating 100% fruit, it was like the stars aligned and everything I desired in the Universe began to come to me. I have discovered that fruit = flow. I am getting my new driver's license mailed to the PO box Kevin just got this week, so I can get and KEEP a job. A friend in Texas is sending me money in the mail as a gift, because she says she wants to help me out the way I've helped her out in the past. She told me to use the money as I see fit. I had just asked the Universe for a financial boon from the bottom of my heart before hearing this news and was blown away. This was also after working on my "Abundance" page in my journal, so I feel so blessed. I feel like good things are coming to me, in part because of past good things I have done for another.
I'm eating lots of grapes, the most delectable fruit lately. I had some strawberries. And lots of fresh OJ. That stuff is like jet fuel. I don't count my calories right now because I eat more sparingly then I used to. It's just because of need. I want to spread the food around more, save more of it for later. I know my body will adjust. There are occasional feasts. When I keep a job, my food supply will be plentiful, so I'm not worried. I feel very well provided for right now. I do.
It's raining, but to me it seems like the most beautiful morning ever. I walked through the rain barefoot to take a warm shower, for almost 40 minutes, while my cell phone charged, then after I was steamy, I dried off, put my shoes on and went back beneath the canopy to get high on weed vapor while I watched the rain fall, and listened to the birds that still tweeted on regardless. I read the new book I began, and journaled some more. I am writing A LOT more then I used to, just in general. I feel like I just want to make note of everything, to make a record and create a log. It feels satisfying.
My days are SO SIMPLE. They are. I feel really good. I feel like my focus is being narrowed into blocks of time I can just lose myself in. Reading? or Writing? Or bike ride with dog? When I wake up in the morning, there are only a few things I can do. I have been having less and less drive to leave the forest and go into town. I am finding my own comfortable rhythm.
Some people are on my case about "doing something with my life." My mom, and Kristi, the same friend who is sending me the money-gift. They say, "You're 26, when are you going to start doing something with your life?" What they mean is, "When are you going to start making worldly accomplishments a priority?" I truly feel that by simplifying my lifestyle (gradually even more then it is now) I will be able to streamline my focus into following my passion and doing something that is deeply meaningful to me. I believe that's the best I can hope for in life. I know what my mission is. People think you have to be really actively engaged in the world to make a big difference. But that's not how most writers operate.
So overall, I'm happy just being patient and enjoying the process.
Friday
Babysteps...
Last night I slept in my bivy bag for the first time.
I was nervous. Going to the state park last night, I KNEW that it would make me feel good to sleep in it, and Mordemus has very thoughtfully outlined the "plan" (we say that loosely, of course, because we are adaptive) that I need to follow if I want to experience my Vision for myself. My spirit friends often speak from the Other Side using my fleshly friends, in case you were wondering. It's often the easiest way to "get through" to me. It depends on how blocked my channel is and how receptive I'm being. Sometimes one of my friends will just be talking, telling me something, and then there's a shift and all of a sudden in my direct experience, it's like I'm talking to Mordie, or El, face to face. But I digress.
Despite all the encouragement by the universe, I was doubtful I would actually go through with it. The state park can get loud and scary at night. And there is my claustrophobia standing in my way with sleeping in the bag. But I knew I had to try because I'm stubborn and I thought the experience would be a good lesson in LETTING GO. I decided to just act as though I was going to sleep in it all night. I resolved the right to go into the trailer later if I wanted to, but I decided to just set myself up right, as though it wasn't there. I went inside the trailer first, and focused on my inner body to see how it responded to being inside the trailer. Kevin's presence was VERY obvious, and he said he was going to stay up late and watch shows and read and whatnot. The cats were meowing for attention, and the entire place just seemed altogether too cramped and noisy compared to the cool calm space of the outdoors. And I was so exhausted, very very tired, which I thought would play into my favor. I hoped I would just pass out without a care. So after I layered myself to warmness, I took my stuff and went outside to wander and try to work into my bivy bag.
I had to take my shoes off too. I can't be in a bivy bag with shoes. Too difficult to move around.
It was very dark. The trees blocked out the moons light. The mosquitoes were thick. I decided to lay on the futon beneath the awning of Kevin's trailer. Yeah, maybe I wasn't exactly "roughing it" on the ground, but it was a big deal for me to be sleeping outside and facing the forest in the bivy bag, instead of inside the safe, soft trailer. To be sleeping by myself instead of being warmed by the nearby man. The goal was to face my fears about the bivy bag, get used to sleeping in it, and face my insecurities about being confronted with nighttime incarnations.
I figured a few things out about my comfort levels. Well, once I was outside of the trailer in the dark night, the forest all around me, the first fear that popped up, was a total lack of trust about the surrounding area. I got worried about hairy mean people lurking in the brush, just waiting to leap out and stab me to death in my sleep. I decided to talk to Mordemus about this. "I think my problem is a lack of trust," I simply put, "I'm afraid I will be attacked," and he doggedly responded with, "Total faith is necessary at this point."
He's been telling me the same thing everyday, for a week now. It's written numerous times in my notebook. I have to have faith now. Faith is the only thing which will pull me through. Faith combats fear. I'm starting to get the message more, what this means I have to do: have faith, and relax. Mordemus also laid it out rationally for me. He pointed out that I only had maybe 6.5 hours until dawn, and if no major violent event has happened in my campsite thus far, it's safe to assume that in the lowest density part of the entire 24 hour day cycle, I will be okay.
So I started to feel more safe then, less concerned about dying, but the only way I could feel comfortable about sleeping in my bivy bag, was to have a finger poking out. The entire bag was zipped up, but I HAD to have a finger poking out of the side to feel okay sleeping inside of there. I poked out the finger, and then rolled it up in the material outside of the bag so that the bugs wouldn't get me, and then I tucked the hand to my chest, rolled on my side, and focused on drifting off. Through the netting I could see the trees. I WAS really sleepy.
There were a few times my heart went to my throat. First, was when the owls came out. At least, I think it was owls. I don't know WHAT OTHER creature could make a sound like that. It sounded ghastly, and echoed throughout the campsite, right overhead. It sounded so close, and before long I was hearing the same loud and strange, gurgling-hooty noise all throughout the woods, even some distance away. They must have been calling to each other. Or the same owl was flying from tree to tree, hooting it up.
Then of course, there was the rustling among the leaves right next to me. Icarus wanted to sleep inside the trailer, so he was inside with Kevin, otherwise I think any forest critters would have been warded off. I think Icky has a hard time sleeping outside too, like he's on full alert all the time. So I was alone outside, listening to animals rustle through the campsite and make noises at each other, like a chittering and chattering. I heard growling at some point, which scared the shit out of me, but it might have only been a raccoon or something like that.
Overall, my mind was BLOWN by how much life can exist on one spot, on this planet. Truly, everytime I experience more of Nature, I am so amazed. There is so much life on this planet it is overwhelming.
I made it through the night. More then that, I slept well, comfortable, though I felt cold at some points. I woke up at dawn. Dawn comes at around 5AM now. When I woke up, I noticed my finger wasn't in the hole. It must have become less important to me at some point last night. A good sign.
When I woke up and peeled off the bivy bag, I felt such a sense of victory. Like YES, I have finally done something for myself that I visualized. It gives me such a sense of PROFOUND relief to manifest my visions. Makes me feel like I'm capable of something...sort of stokes my embers.
I went into the trailer later on in the morning to bring Icarus out and to tell Kevin I was alive. And to crow my sense of victory about sleeping in my bivy for the first time. Sorry, I just had to, because when I was sleeping in the bivy throughout the night, Kevin would open the window and periodically ask if I was okay. It was a little annoying, LOL. I was fine by that point. I appreciate his sentiment of course, but I really CAN take care of myself, and am okay sometimes.
When I went into the trailer after my night of being outdoors, I was struck by how much I didn't want to be inside there, anymore! I couldn't believe I had once thought that the trailer was a comfortable spot to BE, and sleep. It seemed downright tiny compared to the outdoors, and stank like candles which Kevin uses to read by, pine-needle fake scent. It's the only candle he has for reading when the power goes out, but it amused me because just by going outside, I get REAL pine-needle scent, for free, without lighting anything.
I took Icarus for a long bike ride around the park after waking up. We rode around for at least an hour. I am starting to want to test his stamina more. I have a dream of traveling alongside him, somehow. I'm still thinking about how to make it work in my head. I may figure out something. I like the vision of a houseless girl and her dog, roaming the countryside together.
So after the bike ride, while Kevin slept the morning away, Icarus and I hung out together and I read my novel while eating a breakfast of grapes.
GRAPES.
So I finally found a food that tastes delicious for me. Since I left my old apartment I haven't enjoyed my food at all. Eating has been inducing stress. Digestion has been iffy, and most times I've just been purging. I just haven't been able to eat and feel good about it...until I went to the grocery store yesterday and just happened to take a bite of a grape, and felt my brain explode. I couldn't deny my body's signals on this one. That lone grape was the most delicious thing I'd eaten in a week. So crisp, sweet and juicy. I could tell my body really wanted the grapes after that, it was pleading me for them, so I got a few bags of organic grapes and have been enjoying them ever since.
I was severely constipated all day yesterday, but since I've been eating the grapes, my bowel movements are moving fast and furious.
So I'm just taking it all day by day. I never know what each day will bring me. I'm not sure what I'll do tonight, but I'll probably sleep in my bivy bag again, somewhere. It seems that just being outside feels best for me.
I was nervous. Going to the state park last night, I KNEW that it would make me feel good to sleep in it, and Mordemus has very thoughtfully outlined the "plan" (we say that loosely, of course, because we are adaptive) that I need to follow if I want to experience my Vision for myself. My spirit friends often speak from the Other Side using my fleshly friends, in case you were wondering. It's often the easiest way to "get through" to me. It depends on how blocked my channel is and how receptive I'm being. Sometimes one of my friends will just be talking, telling me something, and then there's a shift and all of a sudden in my direct experience, it's like I'm talking to Mordie, or El, face to face. But I digress.
Despite all the encouragement by the universe, I was doubtful I would actually go through with it. The state park can get loud and scary at night. And there is my claustrophobia standing in my way with sleeping in the bag. But I knew I had to try because I'm stubborn and I thought the experience would be a good lesson in LETTING GO. I decided to just act as though I was going to sleep in it all night. I resolved the right to go into the trailer later if I wanted to, but I decided to just set myself up right, as though it wasn't there. I went inside the trailer first, and focused on my inner body to see how it responded to being inside the trailer. Kevin's presence was VERY obvious, and he said he was going to stay up late and watch shows and read and whatnot. The cats were meowing for attention, and the entire place just seemed altogether too cramped and noisy compared to the cool calm space of the outdoors. And I was so exhausted, very very tired, which I thought would play into my favor. I hoped I would just pass out without a care. So after I layered myself to warmness, I took my stuff and went outside to wander and try to work into my bivy bag.
I had to take my shoes off too. I can't be in a bivy bag with shoes. Too difficult to move around.
It was very dark. The trees blocked out the moons light. The mosquitoes were thick. I decided to lay on the futon beneath the awning of Kevin's trailer. Yeah, maybe I wasn't exactly "roughing it" on the ground, but it was a big deal for me to be sleeping outside and facing the forest in the bivy bag, instead of inside the safe, soft trailer. To be sleeping by myself instead of being warmed by the nearby man. The goal was to face my fears about the bivy bag, get used to sleeping in it, and face my insecurities about being confronted with nighttime incarnations.
I figured a few things out about my comfort levels. Well, once I was outside of the trailer in the dark night, the forest all around me, the first fear that popped up, was a total lack of trust about the surrounding area. I got worried about hairy mean people lurking in the brush, just waiting to leap out and stab me to death in my sleep. I decided to talk to Mordemus about this. "I think my problem is a lack of trust," I simply put, "I'm afraid I will be attacked," and he doggedly responded with, "Total faith is necessary at this point."
He's been telling me the same thing everyday, for a week now. It's written numerous times in my notebook. I have to have faith now. Faith is the only thing which will pull me through. Faith combats fear. I'm starting to get the message more, what this means I have to do: have faith, and relax. Mordemus also laid it out rationally for me. He pointed out that I only had maybe 6.5 hours until dawn, and if no major violent event has happened in my campsite thus far, it's safe to assume that in the lowest density part of the entire 24 hour day cycle, I will be okay.
So I started to feel more safe then, less concerned about dying, but the only way I could feel comfortable about sleeping in my bivy bag, was to have a finger poking out. The entire bag was zipped up, but I HAD to have a finger poking out of the side to feel okay sleeping inside of there. I poked out the finger, and then rolled it up in the material outside of the bag so that the bugs wouldn't get me, and then I tucked the hand to my chest, rolled on my side, and focused on drifting off. Through the netting I could see the trees. I WAS really sleepy.
There were a few times my heart went to my throat. First, was when the owls came out. At least, I think it was owls. I don't know WHAT OTHER creature could make a sound like that. It sounded ghastly, and echoed throughout the campsite, right overhead. It sounded so close, and before long I was hearing the same loud and strange, gurgling-hooty noise all throughout the woods, even some distance away. They must have been calling to each other. Or the same owl was flying from tree to tree, hooting it up.
Then of course, there was the rustling among the leaves right next to me. Icarus wanted to sleep inside the trailer, so he was inside with Kevin, otherwise I think any forest critters would have been warded off. I think Icky has a hard time sleeping outside too, like he's on full alert all the time. So I was alone outside, listening to animals rustle through the campsite and make noises at each other, like a chittering and chattering. I heard growling at some point, which scared the shit out of me, but it might have only been a raccoon or something like that.
Overall, my mind was BLOWN by how much life can exist on one spot, on this planet. Truly, everytime I experience more of Nature, I am so amazed. There is so much life on this planet it is overwhelming.
I made it through the night. More then that, I slept well, comfortable, though I felt cold at some points. I woke up at dawn. Dawn comes at around 5AM now. When I woke up, I noticed my finger wasn't in the hole. It must have become less important to me at some point last night. A good sign.
When I woke up and peeled off the bivy bag, I felt such a sense of victory. Like YES, I have finally done something for myself that I visualized. It gives me such a sense of PROFOUND relief to manifest my visions. Makes me feel like I'm capable of something...sort of stokes my embers.
I went into the trailer later on in the morning to bring Icarus out and to tell Kevin I was alive. And to crow my sense of victory about sleeping in my bivy for the first time. Sorry, I just had to, because when I was sleeping in the bivy throughout the night, Kevin would open the window and periodically ask if I was okay. It was a little annoying, LOL. I was fine by that point. I appreciate his sentiment of course, but I really CAN take care of myself, and am okay sometimes.
When I went into the trailer after my night of being outdoors, I was struck by how much I didn't want to be inside there, anymore! I couldn't believe I had once thought that the trailer was a comfortable spot to BE, and sleep. It seemed downright tiny compared to the outdoors, and stank like candles which Kevin uses to read by, pine-needle fake scent. It's the only candle he has for reading when the power goes out, but it amused me because just by going outside, I get REAL pine-needle scent, for free, without lighting anything.
I took Icarus for a long bike ride around the park after waking up. We rode around for at least an hour. I am starting to want to test his stamina more. I have a dream of traveling alongside him, somehow. I'm still thinking about how to make it work in my head. I may figure out something. I like the vision of a houseless girl and her dog, roaming the countryside together.
So after the bike ride, while Kevin slept the morning away, Icarus and I hung out together and I read my novel while eating a breakfast of grapes.
GRAPES.
So I finally found a food that tastes delicious for me. Since I left my old apartment I haven't enjoyed my food at all. Eating has been inducing stress. Digestion has been iffy, and most times I've just been purging. I just haven't been able to eat and feel good about it...until I went to the grocery store yesterday and just happened to take a bite of a grape, and felt my brain explode. I couldn't deny my body's signals on this one. That lone grape was the most delicious thing I'd eaten in a week. So crisp, sweet and juicy. I could tell my body really wanted the grapes after that, it was pleading me for them, so I got a few bags of organic grapes and have been enjoying them ever since.
I was severely constipated all day yesterday, but since I've been eating the grapes, my bowel movements are moving fast and furious.
So I'm just taking it all day by day. I never know what each day will bring me. I'm not sure what I'll do tonight, but I'll probably sleep in my bivy bag again, somewhere. It seems that just being outside feels best for me.
Thursday
Rebooting...
So here I am, I made it to the public library and could stay here for hours if I wanted to. I've been living at a state park for a few days inside of a cushy trailer with my ...ex. Well, he's a friend. It's been an easy life with minimal responsibility. I get up in the morning, take the dog Icarus for a bike ride, feed all the cats, then I wash the dishes from the night before, tidy up around the trailer and sweep, empty the litter box, etc. I do all this for Kevin, because I want to feel like I'm worth my keep. And also because it helps distract me from myself, how I feel. I would do more too, but I'm not sure what else to do.
Otherwise, besides those chores, I just work on my journals, or read. For hours. It's so simple and so satisfying. No internet, no shows to watch. I'd rather work on my notebooks anyway. I'm finding the constant presence of the forest to be IMMENSELY creatively stimulating. I feel so content writing away in a journal while I'm in the forest, in a way that I never felt writing on a laptop at home. It feels liberating, free, cleansing. All distractions can be gone. I can just express, with my Self, just let it out, and it feels so fun and nourishing.
The "lobotamy" feeling is starting to fade, though I am still feeling very quiet and small inside, withdrawn. I think this is normal. I've been watching my cats, ever since I came to stay with Kevin, and they were so freaked out by the move that they bunched up really small and hid all the time. I can so relate. They are behaving exactly how I feel, that's why I'm watching them now. So that they can help me see how I really feel, and give me clues to note if I am getting braver, and better. I don't mean to come off as a pussy, but my entire world felt like it was flipped upside down. I really got my ego crushed and now I feel like I have no future. My dreams feel far away. All I can do is focus on what's directly in front of me. Nothing else exists. I know I don't actually have a future, I know that there is ONLY NOW. But for some reason, with the move and everything "changing," it just kinda seemed like I felt pressure to "make something of myself." I know it was just my ego flailing around, begging me to please please please give it an identity....
Even though I am "comfortable," I'm not feeling good living at the trailer with Kevin. It feels like I am OFF COURSE or something. Like I could easily stay there, and be stuck, forever. I feel like I'm living his life, not mine, but all my fire went out a few days ago when all this crazyness started. I can slowly feel it returning, but it's a slow process. It got completely wiped out and I don't often find myself without that fire. I feel like I have to start from scratch now. I love waking up to birds and forest in a natural environment, having a bathroom and shower nearby, having my animals nearby and people to talk to. A roof over my head, a warm soft bed at night. But this all doesn't feel right. It feels like I got off course by coming here, like all I needed to do at Horn Pond that night was to let go, but instead I freaked. So I'm not sure what my options are, but no matter waht I gotta listen to myself. If I feel like I went 'off course,' there might be a reason for that and I should review the situation. I'm doing my best.
My eating since I've been at the park with Kevin has been absolutely dysfunctional. Lots of purging. It's easy, in the woods. That's how I know something isn't quite right with where I'm at. I feel like I can't eat normally. Everything I eat tastes bad and doesn't sit well. My cats are eating fine. They have quite the appetite. I wonder what's wrong with me.
Today I experimented more with my bivy bag and I figured something out. I have to treat the bivy bag like an extra layer of clothing, not a "dwelling," or a bed. And I have to STEP INSIDE of it, and zip it up over my head while standing up, not try to slide into it when it's on the ground. Then once I was in the bivy bag, I sat outside for a little while and tried to get used to being inside it. I noticed when I sat up with the bag, it was comfortable and I saw that there was even enough room for me to hold a book or a journal to read or write inside. I didn't feel too trapped. when I was sitting up with the bag around me. Thanks to this experimentation, I was able to get a new perspective on the bag. That's good, because I'm 90% sure I'm going to make another attempt at sleeping outside at Horn Pond. I might try a night sleeping outside at Kevin's place first, to see how I handle it.
I KNOW people are wondering why I'm being so stubborn about all this. Kristi gave me an earful about it last night, and my mom was flabberghasted. Yeah, I just flat out told her everything that's been going on with me, and she was astonished. I just don't care anymore. You want to get to know me? THEN GET TO KNOW ME NOW. Get to know who I am, not just your distant fantasy of how you imagine me to be. I am sweeping aside the expectations that everyone has for me. I don't want them. Get them away. You CAN'T expect anything of me. You'll only end up disappointed. I have to do my own thing now, even if it seems like lunacy from the outside. I would rather do my own thing in life and totally fail and fall flat on my face, then live according to someone elses will or expectations and always wonder what I might have done had I listened to my heart.
That's just how I am though.
The tricky thing is that I never know what I'm going to do next. I have to just flow with where I'm at each moment.
I was talking to my mom last night and she told me that it sounds like I don't think very highly of myself. She says it sounds to her that I constantly sabotage myself, that I don't want myself to have nice things, or a nice life. Just hearing that made me want to RUN. I don't think she understands. But maybe she's right. It's hard to say. I'm so sensitive right now that I'm easily swayed one way or the other. I don't know what to do.
But I feel stubborn about this particular thing. I want to be able to sleep anywhere in the world, and be 100% okay with it. However now I'm reaccessing this want and deciphering how vital it is. The main thing that I got out of my attempt the other night at Horn Pond, was that...I thought sleeping out there would make me happy, but instead it had the opposite effect...it was interesting. And it made me realize how dependant on the energy of other people I really am. Maybe I am a social person, maybe I NEED PEOPLE more then I think I do? When I was in kindergarten, the teacher told my mom that I was a social butterfly, that my biggest flaw as a student was that I wouldn't stop talking.
...just makes me wonder...I trust my childhood. I dunno.
I want to be around the yoga studio. I don't want to leave Prana. I could start my own home practice, I know. I need to do something with yoga. I am feeling so fragile still. My ego identity got wrapped up in Prana Power Yoga, and now that I haven't been since the crazyness started, it's like another blow to the ego, because it doesn't know about itself now. If I don't go to Prana today, I will do a practice out in the forest. I have got to, because I feel quite lost. I don't know what else to do to recover.
Who knows really.
Kristi is begging me to "go home" to Texas. She has this fantasy of me living with her and her family (like a pet) and her taking care of me until I can "get back up on my feet." Strange world, because I am not sure I'm off my feet. I feel lost, alone and confused, to the max, but I know that the only person who can help me, is me. She really wants to take care of me, which is tempting but she is sickly, and so I don't believe a sick person could help me, even if they wanted to. It's the same with my mom. My parents told me that I could be on a plane to Texas tomorrow if I wanted to. They told me they would let me live with them and attend college classes. The thought of returning to a rigid lifestyle of schedules, texts and obedience is tempting in this time of chaos...but stability makes me feel stagnant. So I'm hearing all of these things and it just makes me want to shut off my cell phone and just not talk to those people for awhile. I don't want to try to be convinced or coerced into a particular path. Anything I do from this point on, has to be 100% my own will. Even if my will is to do nothing at all. Even if my will is to live with Kevin for awhile. Even if my will is to go to Texas, or live at Horn Pond for awhile, it has to be 100% true to my own heart. It's my life, afterall, despite the fact that this isn't reassuring to me now.
I'm not sure what I'm going to do for a job. I lost my wallet. Yeah. The one thing I shouldn't lose...is gone. I have no idea where it is. I lost it the last time I moved, too. I'm not sure where my birth certificate is either. So needless to say I feel even more screwed then I did a few days ago. It was this event that made me think a little harder about going back to Texas, to seriously regroup, but it would probably be even harder for me if I went down there. I went back to Horn Pond and looked around to see if I left my wallet there, anywhere, but nothing. I really really hope I just left it at my friends' house or something. That would be great, but last time I was there I didn't see it. So I dunno.
*sigh*
Otherwise, besides those chores, I just work on my journals, or read. For hours. It's so simple and so satisfying. No internet, no shows to watch. I'd rather work on my notebooks anyway. I'm finding the constant presence of the forest to be IMMENSELY creatively stimulating. I feel so content writing away in a journal while I'm in the forest, in a way that I never felt writing on a laptop at home. It feels liberating, free, cleansing. All distractions can be gone. I can just express, with my Self, just let it out, and it feels so fun and nourishing.
The "lobotamy" feeling is starting to fade, though I am still feeling very quiet and small inside, withdrawn. I think this is normal. I've been watching my cats, ever since I came to stay with Kevin, and they were so freaked out by the move that they bunched up really small and hid all the time. I can so relate. They are behaving exactly how I feel, that's why I'm watching them now. So that they can help me see how I really feel, and give me clues to note if I am getting braver, and better. I don't mean to come off as a pussy, but my entire world felt like it was flipped upside down. I really got my ego crushed and now I feel like I have no future. My dreams feel far away. All I can do is focus on what's directly in front of me. Nothing else exists. I know I don't actually have a future, I know that there is ONLY NOW. But for some reason, with the move and everything "changing," it just kinda seemed like I felt pressure to "make something of myself." I know it was just my ego flailing around, begging me to please please please give it an identity....
Even though I am "comfortable," I'm not feeling good living at the trailer with Kevin. It feels like I am OFF COURSE or something. Like I could easily stay there, and be stuck, forever. I feel like I'm living his life, not mine, but all my fire went out a few days ago when all this crazyness started. I can slowly feel it returning, but it's a slow process. It got completely wiped out and I don't often find myself without that fire. I feel like I have to start from scratch now. I love waking up to birds and forest in a natural environment, having a bathroom and shower nearby, having my animals nearby and people to talk to. A roof over my head, a warm soft bed at night. But this all doesn't feel right. It feels like I got off course by coming here, like all I needed to do at Horn Pond that night was to let go, but instead I freaked. So I'm not sure what my options are, but no matter waht I gotta listen to myself. If I feel like I went 'off course,' there might be a reason for that and I should review the situation. I'm doing my best.
My eating since I've been at the park with Kevin has been absolutely dysfunctional. Lots of purging. It's easy, in the woods. That's how I know something isn't quite right with where I'm at. I feel like I can't eat normally. Everything I eat tastes bad and doesn't sit well. My cats are eating fine. They have quite the appetite. I wonder what's wrong with me.
Today I experimented more with my bivy bag and I figured something out. I have to treat the bivy bag like an extra layer of clothing, not a "dwelling," or a bed. And I have to STEP INSIDE of it, and zip it up over my head while standing up, not try to slide into it when it's on the ground. Then once I was in the bivy bag, I sat outside for a little while and tried to get used to being inside it. I noticed when I sat up with the bag, it was comfortable and I saw that there was even enough room for me to hold a book or a journal to read or write inside. I didn't feel too trapped. when I was sitting up with the bag around me. Thanks to this experimentation, I was able to get a new perspective on the bag. That's good, because I'm 90% sure I'm going to make another attempt at sleeping outside at Horn Pond. I might try a night sleeping outside at Kevin's place first, to see how I handle it.
I KNOW people are wondering why I'm being so stubborn about all this. Kristi gave me an earful about it last night, and my mom was flabberghasted. Yeah, I just flat out told her everything that's been going on with me, and she was astonished. I just don't care anymore. You want to get to know me? THEN GET TO KNOW ME NOW. Get to know who I am, not just your distant fantasy of how you imagine me to be. I am sweeping aside the expectations that everyone has for me. I don't want them. Get them away. You CAN'T expect anything of me. You'll only end up disappointed. I have to do my own thing now, even if it seems like lunacy from the outside. I would rather do my own thing in life and totally fail and fall flat on my face, then live according to someone elses will or expectations and always wonder what I might have done had I listened to my heart.
That's just how I am though.
The tricky thing is that I never know what I'm going to do next. I have to just flow with where I'm at each moment.
I was talking to my mom last night and she told me that it sounds like I don't think very highly of myself. She says it sounds to her that I constantly sabotage myself, that I don't want myself to have nice things, or a nice life. Just hearing that made me want to RUN. I don't think she understands. But maybe she's right. It's hard to say. I'm so sensitive right now that I'm easily swayed one way or the other. I don't know what to do.
But I feel stubborn about this particular thing. I want to be able to sleep anywhere in the world, and be 100% okay with it. However now I'm reaccessing this want and deciphering how vital it is. The main thing that I got out of my attempt the other night at Horn Pond, was that...I thought sleeping out there would make me happy, but instead it had the opposite effect...it was interesting. And it made me realize how dependant on the energy of other people I really am. Maybe I am a social person, maybe I NEED PEOPLE more then I think I do? When I was in kindergarten, the teacher told my mom that I was a social butterfly, that my biggest flaw as a student was that I wouldn't stop talking.
...just makes me wonder...I trust my childhood. I dunno.
I want to be around the yoga studio. I don't want to leave Prana. I could start my own home practice, I know. I need to do something with yoga. I am feeling so fragile still. My ego identity got wrapped up in Prana Power Yoga, and now that I haven't been since the crazyness started, it's like another blow to the ego, because it doesn't know about itself now. If I don't go to Prana today, I will do a practice out in the forest. I have got to, because I feel quite lost. I don't know what else to do to recover.
Who knows really.
Kristi is begging me to "go home" to Texas. She has this fantasy of me living with her and her family (like a pet) and her taking care of me until I can "get back up on my feet." Strange world, because I am not sure I'm off my feet. I feel lost, alone and confused, to the max, but I know that the only person who can help me, is me. She really wants to take care of me, which is tempting but she is sickly, and so I don't believe a sick person could help me, even if they wanted to. It's the same with my mom. My parents told me that I could be on a plane to Texas tomorrow if I wanted to. They told me they would let me live with them and attend college classes. The thought of returning to a rigid lifestyle of schedules, texts and obedience is tempting in this time of chaos...but stability makes me feel stagnant. So I'm hearing all of these things and it just makes me want to shut off my cell phone and just not talk to those people for awhile. I don't want to try to be convinced or coerced into a particular path. Anything I do from this point on, has to be 100% my own will. Even if my will is to do nothing at all. Even if my will is to live with Kevin for awhile. Even if my will is to go to Texas, or live at Horn Pond for awhile, it has to be 100% true to my own heart. It's my life, afterall, despite the fact that this isn't reassuring to me now.
I'm not sure what I'm going to do for a job. I lost my wallet. Yeah. The one thing I shouldn't lose...is gone. I have no idea where it is. I lost it the last time I moved, too. I'm not sure where my birth certificate is either. So needless to say I feel even more screwed then I did a few days ago. It was this event that made me think a little harder about going back to Texas, to seriously regroup, but it would probably be even harder for me if I went down there. I went back to Horn Pond and looked around to see if I left my wallet there, anywhere, but nothing. I really really hope I just left it at my friends' house or something. That would be great, but last time I was there I didn't see it. So I dunno.
*sigh*
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